America's Next Top Model Episode 12

Last week on Apparently Nigel has a Stick Up His Ass:
Melrose was annoying. The twins were useless. Caridee told the truth. Eugena was flexible. Michelle thought she was the weakest link. And Tyra said goodbye to her.

This week on The Psychomaniac Serial Killer Has a Breakdown:
So I did go to tutoring this morning and we did make gingerbread houses and it was totally worth it. And after this sentence, I will no longer have to type the word gingerbread again because my hands think I'm trying to type break instead of bread ALL the time.

I did take notes because it's impossible to remember all of the unintentional hilarity without notes. Also, if anyone reading takes notes while watching reality shows for some reason, you'll know what I mean when I say Top Model goes so much faster than other shows.

We begin this episode with Caridee and Melrose dressing Amanda. For some reason, I don't think having Melrose dress you is the best idea ever. At one point, Amanda says the line, "help a sister out." Haha. There is some talk about how Michelle sacrificed herself. Everybody knows it's true. Amanda acknowledges it. Cari starts going on about how Michelle is amazing. Ummm.. that's kinda out of left field. Were you her secret lover?

TyraMail says something about working with a partner, which means it's ethnic dance time. One of my favorite times. Why, you say? Observe:



Awww, I miss Furonda. So the instructor/judge for this dancing fiasco is a short guy, according to Cari. He is short compared to them. I didn't catch his name. Here's how it goes down.. Eugena apparently is a dancer. There's always one of those (named Naima or YaYa) in each cycle, don't you think?

The dude gives some critiques. It's apparent that Eugena is the best. Amanda looks awkward (Surprise!) and Cari and Melrose both seem to catch on. Eugena gets a thumbs up from the dude. She was on top. So in the past two months, Eugena has gone from bottom of the barrel to wanting to be on top. And from the most annoying dead personality face in the world to somebody that I'm maybe kinda starting to like.

So the surprise of the episode is that Miss J arrives for dinner. Melrose yaps and yaps and yaps and yaps. She's totally salivating heavily throughout this entire segment and it's not because the food looks yummy. Cari says that Melrose should be medicated. Or maybe she didn't say that and I wrote it down as my own thought. Either way, Cari and I both believe that Melrose should be medicated.

By the way, Cari has a lot of confessionals really early on in this episode and I started to worry a little because too much focus early on in an episode usually means bye-bye birdie. Then I realized that they really don't have anyone else to turn to for accurate, interesting, and funny commentary. Amanda would be boring, Eugena would be too bitchy and not funny enough, and Smellrose would focus on just how much she rocks.

TyraMail says something about stiff competition maybe? I don't know. We see Cari and Amanda practicing their dance that night. Hmmm I wonder if they'll mention this extra prep work. (No, of course not. They're not Melrose.) Eugena doesn't have to practice because she's naturally gifted or something. Melrose surprisingly doesn't try to one-up the girls and hire a partner and a full band to accompany her practicing. She says something about not needing to practice.

In another very ambiguously strange scene, Cari tells Eugena to feel her armpits. Apparently the two of them are friends. Maybe this is another reason why I've started to like Eugena more. It's like with Jaeda, if Brooke is friends with you, you must be cool. In this case, if Caridee is friends with you, you must be all right yourself.

Then there's this way outta left field back and forth talk about how Cari and Melrose don't like each other. Cari calls Melrose a WWE wrestler. Fake or something. Didn't Melrose pick Caridee to share her challenge win last week? Uh. Is this playing up to a Caridee/Melrose final two? A la Adrianne Curry/Shannon Stewart, Eva Pigford/YaYa DaCosta, Nicole Linkletter (who I always want to call Katie)/Nic Pace. Final two pairs who didn't really get along? Not that anybody gets along with Smellrose.

Quick Top Model fact: Did you know that of the six previous seasons, only one winner has been the first to be given a photo at judging in the final three? Meaning every other winner was in the bottom two during the final three judgement. I think this is very interesting. Meaning either the fashion show runway is crucial in deciding the winner, or it's never who the judges are most confident in.. it's usually the bigger risk that they go with. The only winner to receive her picture first in final three judging was Naima. In every other case.. Shannon, Mercedes, YaYa, Nic, Joanie.. the runner-up was chosen first. I think it's an interesitng statisitc. And Joanie was never in the bottom two. Ever.

Bringing it back to the episode at hand.. their test this week is a dance performance that will be photographed. They get into full flamenco garb. Caridee's dress is class black and white and maybe the least absurd. Eugena, as the last ethnic girl left, is put in the purple dress to represent Queen Latifah's whole purple-look-good-on-ethnic-girls spiel. Remember that? Oh, right. Stay focused, stay on topic.

The dude from before makes some comments on each of the girls as they dance. It, unfortunately, is not a whole production. We only see bits of dancing. Cari shows chemistry with her partner. Eugena is elegant. Amanda is working harder than yesterday and looks sweet. Smelly messes up. The best part is Melrose forgetting some steps. According to her, when she messes up, everything has to stop around her and she has to start over. Not in this, pisspot.

Eugena wins and picks Amanda. We all expected her to pick Caridee after the whole armpit thing and pillow fights and sleepovers, but Cari quickly confessionals that she's glad Amanda got picked because Amanda hasn't won anything. True, but she's shared in a couple challenge wins. Melrose's Seventeen spread win and Michelle's white girl alliance win come to mind. Anyway, Amanda is chosen.

Then, in one of the best examples of why Melrose is both bipolar and schizophrenic and an all-around whack job, she breaks downs and freaks out. Apparently when she doesn't do well, the world is coming to an end and we all have to take time to watch her steal the moment. Instead of congratulating Eugena, Smelly goes on about how disappointed she is in herself. And get this.. dancing is her soul. She doesn't think it should be choreographed or tested or whatever. It should just be free and natural or something like that. You lost, Melrose. Can it.

When the girls get home, there are presents waiting. Unfortunately, it is not loved ones in boxes (best reward ever), but there are three boxes there. Eugena gets two and Amanda gets one. They are high end clothing. They both get jackets and Eugena gets an additional item like pants or a shirt. I don't remember. Either way, Melrose is jealous because winning all the other prizes wasn't enough. Bitch wants it all.

There is more Cari/Melrose drama. Foreshadowing..

TyraMail mentions everything possible that could be related to water. Drown.. sink.. float. All that. So the photo shoot is with Tyra as a special guest. Surprise, surprise. She wants to participate for once. The girls have to get in pairs and pose together in the water. Cari and Amanda are together and Eugena and Melrose are together. They have to be ethereal nymphs. Sweet.

The water is cold.

Smelly and Eugena go first and Tyra says that Melrose is good again. Eugena is surprisingly flat and has a dead personality of a cat. A dead cat. I've stopped taking their word for how shoots went, though, unless it's obvious and they're shooting Jaeda or something. Awww, Jaeda. I started to like you, but we all know your pictures sucked.

Amanda says "no bueno" regarding the cold water. The water is cold. Apparently. Cari and Amanda aren't the greatest. Caridee looks like she's dying at one point. Finally, she wants a moment and they pull her out of the water convulsing. She needs medical attention because the water is so cold that she's on the verge of actually freezing. Sweet. The glamorous part of modeling.

Amanda gets to do the last 50 frames by herself and they'll Photoshop a better picture into one with Caridee if needed.

The Tyra pic before judgement is of her in a bathtub. I prefer the bull picture, but hey.

Melrose and Eugena are up first. Smelly has a fish mouth. Of course, nobody cares because Melrose's insanity is just what being a top model is about. Whatever.

Amanda and Cari are next and Amanda's leg looks broken in the picture of her dancing. There's mention of Caridee freezing to death. Apparently it's doubly her fault for having a body that responds poorly to freezing cold water and also for not telling them earlier about it. Whatever, Tyra.

Then Tyra goes on to piss me off more by declaring that the spotlight is hers. She wants to dance with Miss J, who is demonstrating how to dance-pose. Miss J totally does not want to dance with Tyra and says just as much. Tyra forces the dance and looky there.. her shoe falls off during the dance. I bet myself 100 bucks that she'd point it out to the girls as an example of how awesome she is. Of course. Shut up, Tyra. Miss J doesn't even like you. She's like, "See? My shoe fell off. And I kept on working it." Can it. Maybe your shoe fell off because your flippers have gotten heavier after all of those baked bean burritos. Maybe the force of your body surprised that poor shoe and it made a run for it.

During the discussion amongst the judges, they finally point out Melrose's stupid berets. Someone, maybe Twiggy, says, "What's up with that hat." Haha. And Nigel calls Caridee high maintenance. Which, where did that come from? You're high maintenance, Nigel. You're stuffy, have no sense of humor or humility, and you're completely miserable to watch on this show. Go away.

So, Tyra calls Melrose first. Then Eugena. Cari and Amanda are bottom two. I guess Caridee did do 50 less frames. Maybe that was it. Tyra calls Caridee and tells her that maybe her body isn't built for this job. What the hell? And then she says Caridee also has to let people know if her body isn't doing well. So she should get her body to be stronger in these extreme circumstances, yet when she was trying to block out the pain and make her body withstand the cold, this was also a problem. Pick one, Tyra. Either she needs to push through the pain or she needs to know her limits. Not both. Stupid.

Anyway, Amanda is out and she's pretty heartbroken in her goodbye. She says Top Model is breaking up with her. And she doesn't want to wake up tomorrow and have it be just a normal day. She wants to live in the fantasy land that is reality television forever and ever. Bye, Amanda. I so called this.

Next week on The Episode Where CariDee Becomes America's Next Top Model:
Eugena gets cut first when they realize that she's still here and wasn't cut in the third episode. Then Cari and Melrose have a walkoff and the judges decide that Melrose is psycho and Caridee is awesome. Caridee wins.