Catch Up: American Idol, Top Model, Amazing Race, Apprentice

Funniest Moments of the Past Few Weeks of Reality:
Instead of recapping all the shows I missed or apologizing really, I'm just going to give my favorite highlights of each show.

American Idol:
The judges don't even critique Sanjaya anymore. He's on his own show, wears his hair however he feels like, and week after week, better singers are eliminated. Everybody's forgotten about how Scarnato edged out Sabrina Sloan because at least Haley tries to sing.

I also liked Gwen Stefani. Loved that she performed. Thought she was good at critiquing everybody.

And of course, LOVED that Sabrina Sloan was in the audience. They panned over her and then focused on Melinda's family, who she was sitting with. I noticed the hair and yelled, "Sabrina!" Yay. Glad to see her again. Love ya, Sabrina. Still voting for you every week. Except I'm not actually crazy, so no, but I do think about how much better she would've done than some of those fools every week.

America's Next Top Model:
Loved that they had to be men. Loved how ridiculous Natasha was. Loved how much Renee sucked at the laser challenge. Loved the mail order phone sex. Now that Diana is rightfully gone, this probably means Whitney's going to the end. If I had to predict a final three without analyzing the collage right now, I would say Jaslene, Renee, and Whitney. Apparently Brittany is good, but I don't like her. She reminds me of the girl whose face fell off. I don't like her face.

The Amazing Race:
Loved the Barbies' first place. Loved that teams were still completing a leg when other teams had started the next one. Hated the stupid intersection. Loved Eric's "Ladies and Gentlemen... Miss California" when Dustin suddenly puked sausage. Loved the excessive penis references from the extremely inappropriate but hilarious minds of Charla and Mirna.

But the quote that takes the cake.. I think it was two episodes ago. Dustin and Kandice are talking about being the first all-female team to win. And one of them says they just have to beat "Too Hot to Handle." And they laugh about how anybody could possibly compete with that. Anyway, that was hilarious. I think they realized when they were saying it that a portion of the audience would hate them for saying it and say they're awful people and picking on someone with a disability. But at the same time, they knew there was another portion of the audience who would love it. So they were trying to hold back and not seem completely awful but at the same time, directing their comments at their fans who would find it amazing.

I am one of those fans. I love those two and if you haven't read my recaps from last season, I believe I spent an entire recap talking about why people were stupid for hating them and why they're amazing. Yes, when I have favorites, I cannot stop complimenting them or defending them. I am pretty loyal in that sense. But it's not like I pick bad favorites. My favorites are always worthy of the praise.

And of course, D/K prove all of the points I've ever made and run a pretty efficient and successful race. I cannot state enough how much I like their demeanor and strategy on this race. They don't make friends, they don't make perminent alliances, they don't go out of the way to focus on other teams and try to sabotage them. They just run a good race. The only team who may be playing this better right now is ChaChaCha. Danny and Oswald have found a way to be nice and liked by all teams without helping or aligning really with any of them. I am proud of how they're playing. ChaChaCha and Barbies to the end. That would be beautiful. Too bad JV and Jill can't come back and be that third final team.

The Apprentice:
A lot has changed. After hearing in an interview with Derek that Heidi was not part of an alliance and everybody truly thought she was good, I have to apologize for how much i bashed her. She came from small-town Michigan. I'm from Michigan. I know the type. A little sheltered growing up, and then breaking free to pursue bigger and better things elsewhere where nobody can really help you and you have to tough it out and do it yourself. I think Heidi's learned how to be successful and whether it involves smug faces or not, I do give her credit.

Kristine has become hilarious to me. She's said some things that have been a little subtle, but really funny. When Muna said she couldn't "use the Lord's name in vain," Kristine said, "Well, God told me I could use his name in vain." And then she talked about what we viewers say all the time. God is not in the boardroom making the decisions. I'm pretty sure if God was around, he would be focusing his time and energy on starving children and bridging the educational gap. Not deciding who gets to work with The Donald.

Also, when Kristine told the cameraman it was none of his business what went on when her husband spent the night, I thought that was hilarious. First of all, aren't all the beds in one room? What did they do, sleep in the bathtub? Hahaha.

Lastly, I love that Tim was ripped apart at a boardroom he wasn't a part of. It's like the opposite of when Rob Mariano controlled a tribal council he wasn't even at. Tim looks like such a schmuck on the show. It's too bad because I think Tim's probably a lot of fun. There was just no way to win for him. Every situation was lose-lose.

The Apprentice Episode 6

Last week on The Honey Whore and The Alliance:
We were not shown footage of Jenn getting honey squirted in her mouth. Surya and Derek went all Rob and Amber on us and asked Aimee to be their Lex and save Surya in the boardroom. Aaron got screwed over by the alliance and Surya got really really pissed off.

This week on Apprentice Goes Bachelor and Lex Gets Screwed:
So here are my overarching themes in Apprentice so far: (1) Trump is stealing ideas from other shows. He's already done Project Runway, Top Model, Top Chef, and Survivor. This week, Tim and Nicole get a little frisky. (2) Kinetic is playing a game. Much like when Rob saved Ambuh in Survivor All-Stars by using Lex and then throwing him away, Derek saved Surya by using Aimee and then turned on her later. (3) On the Kinetic side, it's Heidi's show. Heidi is running the game. It makes her both brilliant and really annoying. I don't like that she's the big alliance leader and whomever she is intimidated by gets the ax. (4) Stefani's glasses only appear every other episode.

Okay, this sucks. I like to write my recaps in the order that the shows were shown. So unfortunately, I had to get through Survivor and The Amazing Race to get to this recap. Those two shows are still in their early stages and are really hard to recap. The Apprentice, however, is my favorite to recap and I probably would have done a better job had I done it after I watched the show. Oh well.

Remember how mad Surya was at the end of last episode? Well, he's definitely fired up as he and Nicole head back into Trump Trailer Park. He says he basically needs to be PM for this task. That's apparently what he wanted to tell Trump when he made the rookie mistake of trying to say something after a firing. He goes on and on about how Aaron lied and that's just not cool. He's either about to burst into tears or about to throw a chair at a wall.

So according to interviews that Aaron has done, Surya is exactly this crazy in person. Aaron said that just because he didn't assign roles like Kinetic does, doesn't mean that he didn't expect Surya to step up in marketing. Anyway, who cares about all this. Surya's little tantrum is annoying and boring. Moving on.

This week's task is getting people to sign up for Priceline.com something or other. Another lame task. Where the hell is Ivanka?! You take Carolyn and her hilarity away and now Ivanka is missing for, what, three weeks now? The Priceline people whose names Trump doesn't know are going to be his eyes and ears. What lame eyes and ears.

The teams brainstorm and we are shown very predictable footage. On one hand, Kinetic is assigning roles. Surprise. And a lot of the team are not happy with their assigned roles. No, Kristine, because you're not assigned an afternoon role doesn't mean you should go home and take a nap. Can't they just try to work as a cohesive unit? You can't predict issues that will arise. Why should you micromanage so that it becomes hard to deal with problems later? And why have you all decided already that Aimee is leaving? Kinetic pisses me off.

On the other hand, Arrow is sitting in a conference room where Surya wants Frankie Suits to right a five-sentence paragraph in his composition notebook about how he's going to go about doing this task. Frankie Suits is the type of guy who shouts out ideas and works them out by talking through them. Surya cannot call himself a good leader if he cannot adapt to work with all sorts of work styles. Frankie passes around a picture he drew of Surya on a napkin which is a pretty good caricature of him. Everybody is laughing while Surya is still dead serious about this paragraph thing. And before all this, Tim is the one who brings up the good idea of auctioning off travel packages. Kinetic is also doing this, but every half hour instead, and rather than auctioning packages, they're giving away $1000 towards a trip, which is much less appealing for people to hear.

At some point, on Kinetic, we get to see the Octopus fight, which probably was nothing during the task and was blown way out of proportion to make Aimee look crazy. Worked. They also like to film Aimee when she's thinking and not aware she's on camera. They often get her in her thoughtful phase and she looks a little out of it. An easy way to make her look like she's not a strong leader. As you see, I am generally supportive of all the contestants except for two in particular. I am very wary of the editing, however. I don't doubt at all that Aimee was just as good of a leader as Heidi, except she probably had a much different, less annoying style of leading.

Anyway, what's going on? I think at this point is when Jenn and Derek go on their meeting with the mall manager or whatever she's called. The lady points out that about half of their customers are Hispanic. I understand that some people might not get this, depending on where they're from, but if you're familiar with the area, you know that if a high percentage of the people around look Hispanic, there's a good chance that many of the adults do not speak English fluently. It was not a racist comment that Jenn made in the boardroom. It's just that she knows this and wasn't aware that Aimee wouldn't also know. Aimee is from the Chicago area, so it's understandable that she isn't as familiar with the area.

I would also like to make fun of Jenn for going to ASU. No doubt she got a great education and is great at what she does. I don't want to make fun of ASU's academics. I want to point out that if I was told one of the contestants went to ASU, I would have put money on Jenn being the one. She's got a little bit of the ASU tint. I just don't like ASU gymnastics that much. Not a big deal. I like Jenn. I think she's really funny.

Anyway, so at Arrow mall, Frankie Suits is being a great salesperson and is actually physically bringing people to their kiosks. He's great at this. I know I was harsh on Suits in the first recap, but he's really done a 180. He was just too excited the first time around. So all of the Arrow kids are working it. And where is Surya? He's walking around with all of his notes.. I have no idea what he's doing. He's obviously not a good salesperson. What he doesn't realize and what Heidi definitely doesn't realize is they're difficult to relate to. They present themselves as important and have a hard time transitioning from talking professionally and talking to average people. And they take themselves way too seriously.

Heidi and Kristine (I think) are over at Kinetic mall walking around doing a poor job in pulling people in. Heidi definitely thinks she's above all the people in the mall. She looks down on the ones who don't understand her because she thinks any reasonable person can speak English and understand what she's saying. She thinks she now needs to simplify what she's saying and it irritates her. She doesn't like to be the one making compromises and adapting. Tell me I have this read right. I know the Heidi type. And while it's easy to edit people's actions and often their words, it's really difficult to put a facial expression onto a person's face. Or to give someone a different demeanor. Heidi annoys me.

So it comes down to Arrow doing a great job drawing people in with their big personalities. Kinetic relies on Derek and Muna, who speak Spanish, to translate for those who don't understand.

In the boardroom, it's Donny Jr. that joins Trump. Boo. I want Ivanka. First, Trump asks for standouts in the task from his eyes and ears whose names he does not know. Suits is named for Arrow and Derek (I think) for Kinetic. I hope they also mentioned how Surya wasn't around. Because for whatever reason, Trump thinks Surya is the reason this team wins. It's true they blame Surya when they lose and don't say anything about him when they win. Because they're not stupid. Why would you speak up if you won?

Anyway, Arrow wins, which is great. They get private surfing lessons from two pro surfers. At reward, everybody suits up and everybody except Stefani goes into the water. They're all having fun until Nicole gets hurt when a huge wave comes in. She thinks she's twisted or broken her foot and they wrap it up while it still has sand all over it. Then she gets into the van and Tim goes with her. Big surprise. When they get to the doctor's, he tells her she's been stung by a jellyfish. She's a little embarrassed and asks if most people would have continued surfing. The doctor says most people from the area probably would.

When they go back to the mansion, we get the big makeout scene. It was kinda awkward how the entire thing was filmed and the cameraman was just standing there. And Tim's holding Nicole's head at a weird angle and I'm sure it would have been better if it wasn't filmed and then broadcast all over the country. But hey, they signed up for this show and I'm not at all saying anybody did anything wrong here. Anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

In the boardroom, the main topic is the language barrier. Everybody blames Aimee and Aimee blames Jenn. For some reason, Derek is invincible. In two cases now, he's been at the source of the disaster in a task and his name hasn't even come up. He was with Marisa during the El Pollo Loco task and she was considered a disaster (wrongfully, though). He was with Jenn at the meeting, but not telling Aimee about the language issue seemed to end up being blamed on Jenn.

Aimee brings Jenn and Derek back into the boardroom. This is where Surya does not blindly defend Aimee like she did for him the past week. Lex anyone? Neither Rob nor Amber tried to save her (Aimee). They throw her under the bus. Aimee fights hard, though, and really gets on Jenn's case about the language barrier. I see the entire issue as a misunderstanding. Aimee did not understand by looking around that there would be the problem. Jenn did not see how it wasn't obvious and probably didn't think twice about not mentioning it to Aimee. In fact, that probably didn't even come to her mind. They made it seem as if she made a conscious decision to not give Aimee that information. I don't think so.

Anyway, Aimee is fired like I predicted (kinda) last recap. As Aimee gets into the car to leave, and as the car is pulling away, she is staring daggers at Jenn and Derek. It's all kinda funny because you know they looked back at that and laughed when it aired.

Next time on The Apprentice:
Apparently, somebody says two words that cause The Donald to do the first double firing of this season. I really hope it's on the Kinetic side. Although saying something stupid sounds like an Arrow mistake, what with all their talking and stuff. I do see Jenn leaving soon because I don't think Heidi has any need for her. Maybe hopefully Heidi will get overthrown soon. I'm sick of the Heidi show.

The Apprentice Episode 5

Last time on The Episode That Was Completely Misleading:
From listening to and reading interviews with Marisa, I have grown increasingly ticked off at Trump and his shotty editing crew. Not only did Arrow use the El Pollo Loco chicken suit to attract customers, but everybody knew it and still Marisa got fired. I could tell that Heidi was threatened by someone so vocal, and knowing how manipulative Heidi is now, I'm pissed that she didn't suck this episode. Marisa seems like a good person with good intentions and this was perhaps the only time when a firing was basically unfair. It is true that she wouldn't have been able to work with that team after that task anyway, but it's really not her fault for not wanting to be another one of Heidi's lap dogs. Visit Marisa at www.marisa-demato.com and support her causes.

This week on The Glasses Are Back!:
I don't think anybody understands how much I love talking about Stefani's glasses. I just think it's really funny how low she wears them because it kinda makes her looks like a middle school librarian glaring at the stupid kids being loud in the corner. It's like Arrow has an extra member on their team.. Aaron, Tim, Suits, Nicole, James, Surya, Stefani, and Stefani's glasses. Now I sound crazy.

So this week brings out an aspect of this Apprentice that I hate. Alliances are for Survivor because Survivor is not a merit-based game. The Apprentice, however, is, and I feel that alliances are exactly what this show is not about. Especially because contestants are often asked their honest opinion on other contestants. I know there has been a lot of talk of alliances in the past, but I have always seen them as merit-based, and therefore not considered actual alliances. People have protected others who may have had small mistakes that Trump could end up blowing up, but it's always been so the team can get rid of dead weight, or someone who is less qualified. Anyway, we'll talk more about this later.

The task this week is Sue Bee honey. Ummm. They're in LA. They're a fascinating group of people. Why do you keep giving them lame tasks, Trump? And all of these tasks have basically been selling stuff. Bring back some of the interesting tasks from before. Work with fundraising, work with car companies, do something interesting. Honey is so not interesting. Although I have to say Sue Bee honey and I go way back. But we're not going to go into that because this isn't my show. Apparently it's Heidi's.

The first segment of the show is the teams harvesting honey. Which is almost as exciting as punching Rachael Ray in the face. Actually, no, that would be really exciting. I don't know why I bring up Rachael Ray except maybe because I think Heidi's annoying like her. But Heidi's much more conniving. I might have liked her on Survivor or Big Brother. Not here.

Anyway, so the best part of the honey harvesting is Stefani being petrified of bees and the editors being really adamant in playing that up. She even gets them to tape up any openings where the bees could get through. It's pretty funny but impossible to explain why. Kinetic's harvesting isn't that interesting except Derek gets stung a lot, which is kinda awesome. I bet Marisa hired them to get back at him for throwing her under the bus.

So while most of Kinetic was harvesting honey, PM Aimee and the hilarious but unseen Jenn are trying to come up with a name for the honey. Which according to the highly edited and highly untrustworthy footage, takes them four hours. Ultimately, Kristine suggests something and they go with it. Meanwhile, there is confessional after confessional of people talking smack about Aimee. Maybe this is leading up to Trump firing her next week. Who knows. Apparently, Heidi's the only one who knows how to be his sidekick in the boardroom.

I won't comment on what they show of Aimee and Jenn because I think it's probably a complete exaggeration. I think both of them are probably great and that's why people are now trying to take them down. Who knows. I don't trust the confessionals even.

In the Arrow planning committee, Surya is using a lot of business jargon and it's annoying. I don't think either Surya or James is completely correct in their approaches on business.. they just have different styles. Surya is like the systematic people on Kinetic. Arrow is much more big picture. They just don't mesh. Why did they pick Surya? If I recall, both Aimee and Marisa volunteered to go to Arrow. I think they both would have been better than Surya.

They show Arrow packaging the honey later that night, just so they can show how Tim sucked at keeping his spot in the assembly line. Frankie Suits and Tim get into a good-natured fight about how Tim is getting all the bottles sticky because he sucks at the simple task. They throw in friendly banter and laughter and a few comments from Nicole on how cute Tim is and Arrow becomes even more likeable.

So they show Aimee walking around buying stuff and Muna and Derek moving the boxes of honey out to put on the shelves. Muna is hilarious and asks how they're going to sell the honey if it isn't out on the shelves. I think Muna is extremely sensible and it kills her when people don't get things done in a reasonable manner. I think she's awesome.

Here's how the teams sold their exciting Sue Bee honey:

Arrow: Stefani and her glasses were shown doing most of the selling. Apparently everybody had a booth. Aaron sends Tim and Nicole to get some bulk sales and they spend the entire time making out in the van. No, actually they just have no luck because honey isn't something that people will get excited about buying in bulk. Because honey is a stupid stupid task, Trump.

Kinetic: They start off seeming scattered. Then Derek decides to put on a beekeeper's suit. Yes, a suit. A costume. Not unlike a chicken suit. Actually, more ridiculous than a chicken suit, given the situation. And someone comes up with the brilliant idea to finally use Angela's gold medal status. Hell if I was there, I would have bought a hundred bottles of honey if a gold medalist told me to. Yes, I'm easily influenced. And I really like the Olympics.

Then, we get the most staged circus parade ever. Trump is at some convention in Minnesota. He gets someone to tell Sean exactly when to call him and then has this big Tyra "I'm so important right now" moment. Ridiculous. Sean tells him that Kinetic won by like $77 or something. Arrow just looks defeated and I'm sad because I really like them.

So we get to see Arrow move back to Trump Trailer Park. We get to see Kinetic visit the Lakers and get some basketball lessons. I'm not at all interested in recapping that. We get to see Tim and Nicole getting really close and that's much more interesting to me. It's kinda like Big Brother when Drew and Diane hooked up. Except hopefully less of a showmance. I liked both Drew and Diane and I like both Tim and Nicole. So it's not like when Sean and Tammy had their awkward moments last season.

The part of this episode that pissed me off the most was the complete backstabbing by Surya. Trump has fired people for being disloyal to their teams. How the hell is going to the other team for help not qualify as a warranted firing? Surya goes to Derek, whom we all know as the designated instigator of the tricks in this game. Derek goes to Aimee and basically says she needs to save Surya. Here's the thing. If you think Surya's great, as a part of an opposing team, you want him to leave. He is not Amber, Derek is not Rob, and Aimee is not Lex. But let me tell you, I can see Aimee getting a Lex-style ax and I hope she watches out.

So the entire boardroom is basically a joke. Surya keeps blatantly asking for Aimee to back him up. Aimee comes out really aggressive and then tones it down when Trump says he doesn't necessarily like her style that much more than Aaron's style from last week. By the way, how did the first few clips of the show not make it obvious that Aaron would be in trouble?

About half the team blames Surya, and Nicole and Tim kinda begrudgingly say it's Aaron's fault. This is why Arrow is filled with better people than Kinetic. How ironic is it that Kinetic went after Marisa like a pack of jackals and then Arrow gets berated when some of them go after Surya? At least Arrow had some reason to blame Surya. And if Trump fired Marisa because she didn't fit with her team, then it would have been in line for him to fire Surya. I wish he would at least make an attempt at being consistent.

And the rest of the boardroom consists of Trump being totally inappropriate and prying into the Tim and Nicole thing while Tim and Nicole handle it extremely well and pretty much say let's keep it professional in the boardroom. But Trump will have none of that and keeps prying. They get into this would you marry her stuff, which is really weird and must have been so awkward for Nicole, who laughs it off. Really like these two.

Basically, Trump doesn't want to hear what Aaron has to say, which is funny because that's what he berates him about.. not saying anything in the boardroom last time. Wow, Trump, you need to stop getting ideas from other reality shows.. you're turning into Tyra.

Aaron is fired. And Surya is so pissed he's shitting a brick. He talks us to the end of the show and Nicole just politely and quietly nods and tries to get him to calm down. This just shows that while Arrow is loud as a team, when it comes down to it, they're calm under pressure, which obviously Surya doesn't know how to be. I liked Aaron. It's too bad an alliance beat out people who wanted to play fairly.

Next week on The Apprentice:
More of the Tim and Nicole saga. And I don't mind it for once. It means neither of them is getting fired and means there's a greater chance of someone obnoxious getting fired.

The Apprentice Episode 4

Last week on The Mics Don't Even Like You:
Team Trainwreck had to compete against each other. Michelle led one team while Aaron led the other. Stefani wore her glasses really really low, but did a great job as a tour guide. Nobody wanted to listen to Michelle. Aaron's faux-team won and their reward was the satisfaction of winning. Hahahaha. Michelle wanted to quit, which pissed Trump off because dammit, he wears the pants.

This week on Two What? Oh, Chicken Suits. Right:
I actually just watched the episode like half an hour ago and I'm already recapping. Because this was an excellent episode, even though they didn't really show much of the task. I have many theories that will be forgotten after a night's sleep.

I took very brief notes at the beginning so I wouldn't forget to mention things such as last week when Aaron's team didn't get any sort of reward except for the satisfaction of winning. Best. Reward. Ever.

So I noticed that Apprentice has started going the Survivor route of showing a few minutes of the current episode before going to the intro. In this time, we already get to see about five ridiculous things happening. First, Heidi is lecturing her team like she is their mother. Everybody on Kinetic looks about as excited as a dead rat. So, anybody else think Heidi looks exactly like Rebecca the gimp? Also, Kristine has the same facial features as my mom's friend and Tim looks like someone I can't place.

Anyway, next we get a replay of the call about nobody else getting fired. Frankie Suits the Chimpanzee's ridiculous reaction included. Then we get an odd three-way call from Trump to the two teams. It seems like he's actually calling both teams at once, but he could have easily called them separately. He tells Kinetic to give someone up to go work on Arrow. There is really only one answer here and it's Derek. Possibly Angela. Nobody else on Kinetic would mesh with Arrow. However, Heidi, being the head honcho that she thinks she is, volunteers to go if nobody else will. All along probably assuming this won't happen since she's supposed to be PM again. Aimee, Marisa, and Surya all volunteer and Trump asks Arrow who they want. They choose Surya.

So Surya packs up his bags and moves outside with Arrow for the night. This is where we find out the real reason why they picked him. They're all drunk and like to say his name. Oh, by the way, before this happened, Arrow was sitting around their campfire discussing Cheese Doodles. No joke. Stefani has never heard of the term Cheese Doodles and Frankie Suits cannot believe it. You know, as dysfunctional as they are, they're fun to watch. I also think at this point, everybody left gets along with everybody else. Oh, and a couple Kinetic members are standing on that rock looking over the top of the bushes to watch Surya settle in. It's kinda cute.

Now this is still pre-intro. Surya totally pulls a Furonda and pulls out his fourth grade composition notebook where he's written a bunch of guidelines, or let's say rules, for Arrow to follow. He starts reading them off and the editors did a montage of it and made it seem like he talked forever. Nobody really calls him out for trying to steal Furonda's thunder, so I don't know how long it actually took. Or maybe the rest were too drunk to care and clapped for an encore when he finished. All I know is if you have guidelines ready for Arrow, not knowing at all that you'd actually be joining their team, that's pretty ridiculous.

Credits. By the way, I think the new intro is hilarious.

Our special guest of the week is Sean, whom nobody seems to recognize. So either nobody remembers the past season or it's actually only been like two days since Sean won. If I remember correctly, they filmed this right after the previous season like they usually do but then NBC told Trump to suck it and put him on haitus for a season, which was unexpected.

Anyway, Trump says Sean never had to stay in a tent. Well, he might have not stayed in one, but he sure did pitch a tent everytime Tammy's unexcitable, boring personality was around. I feel like although last season was funny, the entire season was a circus. Nobody was Apprentice material, really.

So Sean is the Ivanka for this episode. And the name of the task is Top Chef. I've figured now after the bathing suit episode, Trump has just decided to sit down, look at the current reality shows that are on right now and just shamelessly steal their ideas. First he did Survivor with the tent business. Then he did Project Runway/Top Model (Nicole and Surya modeled) with the bathing suit fiasco. Now he's doing Top Chef.

The teams have to create a new Pollo bowl for El Pollo Loco (that's Spanish for "Frankie Suits"). So, as I mentioned, we don't see that much of the actual task. We see Arrow throwing together their bowl and tasting it. We see Kinetic adding fruit to their chicken bowl. It's Kristine's idea to do this Paradise bowl, fruit and all. Remember that.

Arrow has made huge signs to put everywhere because they actually learned something from the first task. Kinetic has sent Marisa and Derek off somewhere to do marketing. This is where the ridiculous chicken dance fiasco begins. Marisa wants the name to be Bravado bowl or something. She also wants two chicken suits to draw in customers. Heidi says no, Frankie Suits isn't on our team and no, it's Paradise bowl and that's that. They have like five exchanges where all Marisa wants is two chicken suits and Bravado and all Heidi wants is to reject Marisa coldly.

Here's my theory: I think Marisa's demise was Heidi. For some reason, they never clicked. They bickered over the swimsuit design in the second episode where they ended up going with Marisa's design and winning. I think maybe they're too much alike and Heidi can't stand someone else like her around. It's probably because Marisa's the only one who will challenge Heidi or stand up for things that Heidi shoots down. This is all under the file folder labeled "Being winning PM got to Heidi's head." Heidi sees herself as the boss and she doesn't want any dissention. The rest of the team just doesn't want to get on Heidi's bad side in case they keep winning and she's PM forever.

I think next week once someone else is top dog, Heidi will suffer within the group. I see her as a Melrose. When Monique was there, Melrose seemed normal. Once Monique left though, Melrose's true colors showed. When Heidi is no longer Hitler, she'll stick out like a sore thumb as a difficult soldier who always tries to take command. Okay, bad analogy. Still.

When the task actually starts, we have James from Arrow being his typical raspy self. James always sounds like he's been at a concert yelling too loudly for the past five hours. He has permanent laryngitis. Anyway, he's pulling people in. Meanwhile, Aaron has sent Suits and Tim off to try to get some bulk sales going on. Surya thinks they need to come back because the lines for their store are all over the place. Aaron doesn't listen to Surya and we get the only trouble at Arrow this week.

Tim and Suits end up going to some office/showroom/sketchy building and getting 22 orders of their new Pollo bowl. They're excited and Aaron's excited and it's Aaron-1, Surya-0.

Meanwhile, as Sean visits Heidi's crabby shack, there's no business and Marisa and Derek are doing the only marketing they could think of. They're offering samples to people in the drive-thru. Which isn't a bad idea.. if your food tasted good.

So they go to the boardroom and it turns out Kinetic sold like $300 while Arrow sold $430 (?). That means the bulk sale made a difference for them and it was actually closer than the editing showed. It wasn't like that one sports task a couple seasons ago when Trump fired four people for actually decreasing profits. It also wasn't as close as the previous tasks have been, and that credit goes to Aaron for sending Suits and Tim to get bulk sales.

Arrow is bouncing off the walls with this and cannot wait to move into the house. You know, I'm really starting to like them. I think, with possibly the exception of Surya, this group is tight and really mesh well with each other. They're all not your typical businessperson and I like it. The two girls aren't the plastic, frigid businesswoman type. The guys are all caricatures of normal people. It's better than those cookie cutter Kinetic types. Except for Muna. I really like Muna.

Arrow's reward is a trip to Malibu to have a private performance from Andrea Bocelli. This is a great reward, and I'm sure they didn't think it could get much better after last week's reward of nothing. They also cannot move out of the tents fast enough. They throw everything into random boxes and haul ass inside.

Kinetic moves outside and they are all disgusted by the living conditions, particularly the filth that Arrow has left. I feel like after three weeks in that misery, Kinetic would have been just as lazy. But maybe not because this team is the obsessive-compulsive team. Muna is upset and says even in Jamaica where people are poor, they're at least clean.

So Arrow gets their wonderful reward. And more importantly, we see glimpses of the alleged Apprentice romance that trumps Sean and Tammy's pretend fling. Tim goes and plays the piano after Bocelli has left. He's decently good and this gets Nicole all turned on for whatever reason. They mention that Tim won't be single after this and the comment seems to be directed at Nicole. So I don't know what's been going on, but you've got me. I'm interested. I kind of like Nicole and her crooked teeth. She's got some spunk. More than Tammy could ever dream of having. So if this ends up being the romance they promised, it'll at least be entertaining. And also mean that these two are sticking around for a bit.

Now boardroom time. Here's how it goes down: Marisa interrupts everybody. Heidi stays pretty quiet. Marisa wrongly chooses Aimee to be fired. Heidi brings back the two loudest of the boardroom and watches Marisa get canned.

Although I may not like Heidi much, I have to say the girl is smart. She owned that boardroom and it may have been the experience on the other side as winning PM for two tasks that helped her. Surely she saw that the ones who talked too much got screwed. Also, as it seemed her goal was to get rid of Marisa, she executed a brilliant plan. She could have brought back Kristine for coming up with the bad idea. Instead, she chose the person Marisa wanted to send home.. Aimee. I don't know if there's a Heidi-Kristine alliance, but it was easy for Heidi to sit there and say that everybody wants Marisa gone and Marisa wants Aimee gone. No way Heidi's going. If Kristine were there, and she was smart, she could have said true, she came up with the fruit idea. However, as PM, Heidi okayed it. This turns attention onto Heidi. Smart, Heidi. Smart.

Here's where Marisa went wrong. I didn't think she should have been fired based on merit. First of all, shut up about the chicken suits idea and the Bravado idea. Second of all, just shut up. She talked way too much. Of course, it's the only reaction she knew to being ambushed like that. I do think they ganged up on her as a basic survival skill. Nobody wanted to stand out, so they made someone else stand out. Lastly, wrong tactics. Don't accuse Aimee when she can't be singled out for something disatrous. Accuse Kristine. Why didn't you sell more? Say it wasn't marketing or sales. It was the original concept. If you say that, other people will have to agree that perhaps the fruit idea wasn't great. Accuse Aimee randomly and you now seem like you're the one going by a personal dislike agenda.

Anyway, Kristine, you're lucky. Heidi, you're smart. And Marisa, learn to keep that mouth shut.

Next week on The Apprentice:
I say either Heidi or Surya is in danger, depending on which team loses.

The Apprentice Episode 3

Last week on The Bikini Fiasco:
Everybody let Carey make a pink speedo.. except for Michelle, who nobody likes. Heidi's team got to meet Hef and skip the next task. Carey got fired.

This week on Could Those Glasses Be Any Lower:
Team Losers greet the returning people and discuss what to do if Michelle, or "Johnny" as they call her, returns. Well, it's Nicole and Michelle and Nicole gets a round of hugs while Michelle gets dealt a good hand of awkward. Heidi returns and tells her team who was fired. They all seem surprisingly sad. Heidi adds that Michelle is the most disruptive. When prompted, she explains that they think she asks too many questions. Somebody comments that they wouldn't like being on Team Heidi then. This team is so smooth sailing right now. It'll just be sad when they have to turn on each other.

So Arrow and Kinetic both show up to meet Trump. Trump lets Team Heidi get a day of pampering and relaxation. Team Losers have to split up into two groups and compete against each other. Aaron volunteers to be a team lead and then there's awkward silence as nobody else wants to lead. Trump then pretty much forces Michelle to be the second lead and she pauses for a really long time before saying yes. Michelle has Tim, Nicole, and Frankie Suits. Aaron has James and Stefani, whose name I hate. I don't want to spell it like that.

So the challenge is to come up with a tour and get the best approval ratings. Team Aaron wants Lakers girls. Well, James wants Lakers girls. And he says so loudly. They decide to do the theme of "Famous Places, Beautiful Faces," something like that. Team Michelle is less than enthused. Michelle starts playing the team spirit, total agreement game, which doesn't work well because it means she makes no decisions. They end up deciding on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

So Team Aaron has James take a tour and figure out what to do better for their tour. Aaron and Stefani, who could not wear her glasses any lower, figure out what places to go to. And on Team Michelle, we have Michelle and Tim driving around for hours and hours trying to figure out what exactly to do and where to go. Suits and Nicole in the meantime have nothing to do, so they go make banners and buy butch outfits.

I like how Suits has become the Apprentice version of Eugena. Sucked balls at first, but manages to just stick around to the point where he's able to make fun of other people for sucking.

Team Aaron has a pow-wow and figures out the entire tour and then goes to sleep. Team Michelle, however, cannot sleep because Michelle needs everybody to sit around watching her tank and be indecisive. Nicole goes to lie down because nothing is happening and gets a weird scolding/pep-talk from Michelle.

So the next day, Team Aaron has Lakers girls. James talks really loudly about nothing.. a lot. Stefani takes over and rocks it.. all the while still wearing her glasses at the tip of her nose. They get a lot of interaction with their tourists. Stefani remembers so much information about the places they're showing and really grabs people's attention.

Team Michelle is tanking. They're so pathetic that their microphones don't even like them. Tim tells their customers about drugs and Michelle talks nonsense. It pretty much sucks.

So in the boardroom, Team Aaron has 82% ratings and Team Michelle has something like 58%. Before much can happen, Michelle decides to quit. Then, the most bizarre five minutes of television occurs. Donald berates her and the entire time, Michelle's face is all "just let me leave already." It's pretty ridiculous. I really didn't care that much when she quit. Surprisingly. I usually hate it when people quit. Whatever.

Team Heidi is astonished when they find out Michelle quit and the rest of Team Michelle is pissed that one of them might also get fired. However, they receive a call that nobody else will be fired and they all start hooting and hollering. Michelle, who is walking away, probably thinks they're cheering about her leaving and says, "Bye, guys."

Next week on The Apprentice:
I haven't seen the preview. I say they rearrange the teams. Maybe. And Suits says something stupid. I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe James talks loudly.

The Apprentice Episode 2

Last week on The Frankie Suits Circus Parade:
Trump moved to LA and invited a lot of hopefuls to live in a mansion next door to him. The first task was to pitch a tent. Heidi was pointed out as a leader and Frankie was pointed out as a really loud person. Two teams were formed and they competed in a car wash task. Heidi's team won and Frankie's team had to sleep outside in tents right next to the mansion. Heidi's team met Wolfgang Puck for two seconds before Trump told him to go back to work like a good little boy. Martin had a lot of old Nigerian sayings, but drip, drip, drip, the BS sure seems to crack the stone, too.

This week on The Tale of the Speedo:
So this week, teams have to design a line of swimsuits for Trina Turk. They will then have a fashion show to present their creations. Buyers will be at the show ordering their swimwear and whichever team gets the most sales wins. So basically, Trump saw two of the more successful reality shows- Top Model and Project Runway- and was like, hey, maybe we should do that on our show.

Heidi remains the project manager for her team and Nicole becomes the PM for her team. The team names are Kinetic and Arrow, by the way. And yeah, what the hell? First of all, we don't see any footage of them choosing names. Probably because it was so boring, judging by the lame names they came up with. Oh, and Nicole's idea of a good team leader is someone who makes everybody else so happy and motivated that they end up performing really well or something. It's stupid. A good team leader is someone who manages skills and tasks well and inspires while staying in control of everything. That's what I think anyway. Oh, and a good leader needs to be practical and be able to forecast future problems and fix them or at least have a solution before they happen. A lot of people aren't good at stepping outside and seeing possible faults in their own work.

Anyway, they get started and the issue on Heidi's team is Heidi thinks an orange and brown woman's suit is a little boring and bland while Marisa thinks it's the hottest thing ever. It's really not a big issue in the end and they end up sticking to it. I personally agree that it's not very exciting and I don't really think orange and brown are good colors for bathing suits. Especially together. You put the ASU gymnastics team in those and it's like camoflauge. The orange blends in with their skin and the brown straps just look like extensions of their skunk-like hair. After seeing them last night, I think they might beat out Georgia when it comes down to who looks more like George Hamilton.

Back to The Apprentice. On Nicole's not-so-happy team, Carey is really excited about the task and is already sketching ideas in his notepad. Somebody wasn't skilled enough to make it on Runway, huh. He's really set on this idea of a man's speedo as one of their items. Nobody on the team really knows what to say, so they don't really say anything. Eventually, they've let it go so long that Carey's already make the suit and there's no turning him back now. He walks out and models it proudly. Most of the team compliments him, but come on, it's obvious that no buyer would risk buying this suit.

The only person to object is Michelle. She says she doesn't agree that this color or style is a good idea to use. Everybody starts talking about how Michelle isn't a team player and is hard to get along with. Keep in mind that Michelle is right. She's one-hundred percent correct here. Carey's not hearing any of it and keeps walking around in it.

When we get to the show, we have Carey and Nicole modeling for Team Trainwreck and Surya modeling for Heidi's team. Everything was boring, blah, uninspired. Except for Carey's, which was not bland, just not marketable.

In the end, Heidi's team wins by a buck fifty again and they get to go to the Playboy Mansion to met Hef.. which is hilarious because that team is all women, one gay man, and Surya, who doesn't exactly strike me as the player type. Exactly why this is awesome. Hahahaha.

So Heidi's team meets Holly, Bridget, and Kendra, The Girls Next Door. I love this reward because how in the world would The Donald think these career-driven women would like this at all? They are the exact opposite of the type of people who would want to meet Hef. They have gone through their lives, most of them, working in fields that are typically male-dominated, wanting to rise to the top based on merit rather than looks. Hahahaha. It's all rather awkward and nobody really seems like a wild party-type. Trump arrives and at some point someone does a requisite confessional about how impressive it is that Hef built such an empire from basically nothing.

Back in the Trump Trailer Park, Tim has pointed out to Michelle that she and he do not have the same interests and would not likely have friends in common in the real world. Michelle seems a little surprised that nobody likes her and says she wishes people would have told her at the time. Which ends up being twisted into her saying, after the fact, that she wished she could have been a better teammate during the task. Instead, what I got was, if you all had a problem, why didn't you bring it up when it was crucial for the team to be meshing well?

Anyway, Heidi joins Ivanka and The Donald again. It comes down to Carey had a crappy design, Michelle isn't a team player, and Nicole didn't call out Carey's design. James makes a great point in saying ultimately, the design has to pass through the PM before it goes into production. Nicole took great offense to that when James was really just pulling a Yul and wanting to be diplomatic about it. He's right, too. I still wouldn't have fired Nicole, probably, but she had much greater fault in this than she was willing to admit to.

They bash Michelle around a bit, and I really have to go back to the moment when she disagreed with the team. She was right. She was causing tension in the team because she recognized the flaws in the design while nobody else wanted to go down that road. Then, what she said ended up being true. Also, I have no problem with her refusing to pick a price point arbitrarily when others had researched it extensively and had more knowledge on the point than she had. That team really just doesn't have things in perspective.

So Trump doesn't want to touch the Speedo that Carey just recently wore. He rightly notes that nobody would purchase this as a buyer. It's target market was just too small and it was an unwise decision. Carey is fired and he leaves proudly, Speedo intact.

Next week on The Thanksgiving Episode of Top Chef:
As you might recall, on Top Chef's Thanksgiving episode, only half of the chefs cooked and the episode sucked. On the next episode of The Apprentice, only this week's losing team will compete and they will do so in two teams within their own group. It looks like James and Nicole against the rest (?) and Donald Jr. is the guest judge because Trump is sick of Heidi.

The Apprentice Season 6 Episode 1

Bum-Bum BUM! The moment has arrived and I am about as giddy as a five-year-old is on Christmas. I love season premieres. And I love The Apprentice. Quickly, here's my stance: I think Trump is an egotistical moron who should be giving his money to poor school districts and to good charities instead of tearing things down to build the biggest skyscraper in the world. However, he doesn't try to tell us that he's Miss Congeniality. His show is about making good decisions, marketing yourself, and succeeding in the business world. All of which he should get all the credit for doing. It's only when people like Paula Abdul claim to be a great judge of singing talent when the BS-radar starts going off. If Trump's show was about him picking the next best Miss America contestant or something, that would be crap. However, he is judging people on something he excels at, so he doesn't really get on my nerves as a host/judge or whatever he is considered on the show.

This week on The Battle of the Morons:
Okay, here's the thing. I love this season and all of its changes. I love that it's in LA. I love that the losers have to sleep in tents. I love that the winning PM stays as PM until (s)he loses. I LOVE Ivanka. I never really knew anything about The Donald's children until they guest-judged on the third or fourth Apprentice. Ivanka also did an episode of Project Runway, which is when I really came to like her. She isn't obnoxious, cocky, over-aggressive, pompous, or spoiled at all. I guess when you see someone like The Donald and expect that he would produce snotty children and then see how down-to-earth they actually are, it's a huge surprise. Anyway, I love Ivanka.

From the beginning of this episode right up until the end, almost everything that happened was hilarious. First, we see Trump talking to Melania on the phone. She's already in LA with their baby, Baron. You know what? Now that they have this baby, it means that Melania's had sex with The Donald. Which is disgusting. Anyway, Melania looks stoned as always and comes out of the house with the baby when Trump arrives. The whole scene with them interacting and with Trump driving his car is hilarious because it's so strange.

The contestants arrive and they meet up with Trump in front of the mansion, which is connected to his mansion, which is where the boardroom is. Everybody introduces themselves and they put the introductions together as a montage where they all overlap. At first, I was like why is that chick just talking over everyone? The Donald is excited that Angela is an Olympian and actually gives her a hug, which is so not Trump-like. Which means it's funny. Maybe it's the lack of shows to watch right now that's got me watching Kathy Griffin specials and thinking everything is funny.

So the first task of the season is for everybody to go to the backyard and pitch a big tent. Hahaha. Trump makes it out to be some huge character-building task that should be taken as seriously as possible. They're all like a bunch of donkeys with their heads cut off until Heidi starts to take control. She says she's pitched a lot of tents in the past as considers herself an expert. Then Frank decides that it's his moment to be an ass and starts yelling instructions really loudly. What he actually does is yell for everybody to grab pieces and put them together, which is useless.

Trump is watching from a second story window and tells Frank to keep his voice down. Then there's Martin in his three-piece suit trying to give instructions, but just looking like an idiot. When they finish pitching the tent, they all put their hands together and yell "Go Trump" or something obnoxious. Everybody wonders what's going on and some idiot says that maybe that was their first task and someone's going to get fired. Stupid.

They go to the boardrooms and meet Ivanka and an empty chair that will be filled with "someone special" at the boardroom. Everybody agrees that Heidi was the best leader during the tent challenge and Frank was loud. So those two get to choose teams. Heidi chooses Derek, Aimee, Marisa, Angela, Surya, Kristine, Muna, Jenn. Frank chooses Carey, Tim, Aaron, Nicole, James, Stefani, Michelle, Martin. Well, Frank doesn't really choose Martin. Martin's last, which is funny because Martin thinks he should be everybody's first choice always.

Their first task is to run a car wash. Trump tells them that the winning PM will always be the PM until that team wins.

Frank's team starts with Frank acting like a banshee, talking really fast, and then running off to do flyers or something. What a stupid. Then the team tries to get together and come up with a plan when Frank calls and flips out about them starting to sell right that moment.

Heidi's team starts by making signs on carboard and offering free lunches at a hot dog stand. Ivanka visits them and asks why there's no cars in the detailing area. Aimee says they would prefer to move as many people in as possible. They've hired a couple guys to take their shirts off and hold the signs because they're in a predominantly homosexual area. Where they got these random shirtless guys, I have no idea. Ivanka goes and talks to them and they ask her if she wants to take her shirt off and help them. She says no, maybe next time, and laughs instead of being offended, which most other businesswomen probably been.

Then there's Team Trainwreck. They're yelling about car washes.. without signs. Cars are speeding past wondering who the lunatics are. Frank brings back little flyers and the team holds up the pieces of paper pretending anybody can read them. Ivanka visits and wonders why Frank isn't around. James is excited and Martin is.. tired. Earlier, he asked Trump if he could go take a piss and now he tells Ivanka he's tired.

Heidi's team is so busy and they're backed up. A lady starts cleaning her own car and it brings Heidi to decide to have her team help clean. It's a great idea and seems to work. Heidi even keeps her heels on as she cleans.

Over at Frank's circus, James is working it and getting a lot of people to get full detail packages. Martin, however, is not persuasive at all. At the end of the task, James notices Martin is adding up how much he sold and thinks it shows that he isn't confident in how he did.

Heidi's team wins and Trump treats them to dinner at Spago where Wolfgang Puck will "join them." They get to live in the mansion and Heidi stays the PM and gets to join Trump in the boardroom. Frank and his team get to sleep outside in the tent until they win.

Heidi's team goes into the mansion and it's really nice except.. they have to all sleep in one room, which is really strange. Heidi thanks her team for never complaining.

Frank's team has to shower with flashlights. Their sinks don't drain. It pretty much sucks. Tim starts to pick a fight with Frank about how the PM is more to blame than a bad salesman. This is stupid, Tim, because it most likely means you will be brought into the boardroom.

Heidi's team sleeps comfortably, while Franks team is woken by sprinklers. At first, I thought the sprinklers were going off on them. Hahaha that would have been awesome. The best part of this whole Win-Lose deal is the teams are only separated by bushes. The losing team stands on a rock and drools at what the winning team has.

The winning team eats with Trump and the losing team eats on the grass. Frank's team starts bashing Frank and the price point. Martin gives us another Nigerian saying and tries to manuever his way out of being fired.

Heidi tells her team that she will try to keep the weakest person on the other team when she goes into the boardroom.

In the boardroom, there was a lot of bull flying around and Martin calls out Frank as soon as possible. Franks calls Ivanka I-vanka like a hundred times. Martin says he was exhausted again. What a circus. And Nicole has no voice. Here's what happens: Frank brings Martin and Tim back to the boardroom. Frank talks really loudly and Martin uses a lot of his sayings. Tim doesn't say anything and is excused. Then Frank says that Martin is brilliant and everybody berates him for making stupid comments.

Martin goes home.