Friday, March 16, 2007

America's Next Top Model Episode 4

Last week on Why Can't I Be the Class Whore? Waaaah:
There were so many different titles I could have used. "Sarah Flashed Her Boy Boobies." "I Sucked? That Must Mean I'm Pretty." (Natasha speaking, of course) Okay, maybe there were only three choices. Anyway, last time the girls learned to walk. They did a high school prom fashion show. Sarah flashed her boy boobies at all the high school kids. Jaslene thought she was so fierce that she didn't have to listen to directions. Renee talked smack and then proceeded to piss and moan about not getting to be the class whore or class weirdo. Shut up, Renee. Samantha got sent home for being lame and sheltered.

This week on I Dedicate This Recap to Cassandra:
Okay, I am not trying to mock Jael at all. It's just that I just watched the episode and she said she was dedicating her photo to her friend that passed away. And to me, Cassandra has passed away.. from the show. It was as hard of an elimination as any other.. and I pissed and moan about it for a long time. Cassandra was gorgeous. Stupid Tyra.

We start out with makeovers! Yay! This is such the best part. Let's see.. Cassandra got a big fro, which I was iffy on. I would've liked her long and wavy. Felicia got bangs and a darker weave. Brittany got a red weave. Whitney got longer, fuller. Jaslene got shorter but fuller. Renee went short "like Yoanna" but not really. Diana went fuller? I don't know.. Oh, she went blonde. Jael went really long and then really short. Stupid Tyra. They made her sit there for eight hours getting the length put in and then took it all out and made her extremely short.. and darker. Nastasha went dark and I like it. Dionne went short and heavy in the front. Surprisingly, she looked amazing. Sarah went dark. Is that it? If I don't remember, then they don't matter.

So this was perhaps the greatest makeover episode ever. Tyra and Miss Jay both acted like over-dramatized versions of past seasons' girls who cried over their makeovers. We got to see Jaeda's open-mouthed sob again. I just wish they would've shown Monique getting her tracks out again since the reason she was crying was she didn't want to be on TV without her tracks in. A problem that could easily have been resolved by not drawing attention to herself by crying and freaking out. I think it would have been wonderful and cruel to show it yet again.

I think the emphasis they placed on how stupid the girls are when they bawl over their makeovers kept anybody from this cycle from really crying for no reason. Jael I can understand because it's almost torture to make someone get hair taken out right after it was put in. That sucks. And Brittany's just a whiner. Although she didn't seem to make a huge fuss until later.

So the theme of this episode was Brittany is a crybaby and Jael's really emotional over her friend's death. That's tough but I think Jael dealt with it well just like Kahlen from cycle 4 did. Apparently Brittany has become really annoying. She reminds me of Michelle "my skin is falling off" from cycle 4 in that I don't see the appeal of either and they're both annoying.

The challenge is CoverGirl Cosmetics. The girls have to make their faces look amazing in ten minutes or something, which is a lot of time, I feel. They do have to run around a garden for whatever reason. Cassandra gets disqualified for being like three seconds late. And I weep. Not actually, but I started getting the feeling this episode was building up to screw her in the end.

Brittany wins the challenge, for whatever reason. I don't know. I didn't think she looked any better than anyone else. She chooses Jael and Sarah to join her in her photoshoot for Seventeen. Which I will probably be buying when the issue comes out. Even though none of the girls featured are my favorites. Renee pisses and moans, I presume. I don't actually remember. Oh, but Brittany's reason for choosing Jael and Sarah was that they told her to stick with it and do the challenge even though she was sick. Renee, of course, told her to go lie down. Which showed the bitch in her, not the mom in her.

This is when Jael finds out her friend overdosed. It's hard to tell at first what's going on because she's a little incomprehensible to begin with. Anyway, the girls all console her. Meanwhile, there's a very minor spat between Renee and Brittany. Which I don't care about at all. Renee says Brittany is being fake, but pot, meet kettle. Every time someone is doing well, they become Renee's prime target and enemy. And apparently they can all win the little battles as long as she can win the war. Which, if you look at history, Renee, means you've lost a lot of soldiers and that makes it less likely for you to ultimately win the war. Can't win a war without winning a battle.

So the photoshoot is ice cream. The girls are posing nude but with a lot of paint and ice cream accessories. Sounds gross to have to clean up after but is a neat idea. Brittany is nervous about posing nude, but actually doesn't bitch and moan nearly as much as girls from the past.

Everybody seems to do decently. Cassandra is like Lluvy, another favorite of mine, from cycle 4. Geez, lots of cycle 4 references today. Like Lluvy, Cassandra is striking and gorgeous but doesn't have the posing quite down. Diana also sucks. And everybody else seems middle-of-the-road.

At panel, Tyra actually looks nice. She's surprising me this cycle. They complain that Jaslene isn't acting stereotypical enough. Tyra goes all hypocritical by saying she always "talks black" and then later reverts back to her normal talk. Ugh. Tyra hasn't yet been nearly as annoying as last cycle, but it started to show here. There are ways of telling Jaslene to not be as withdrawn in judging that don't involve telling her to act all stereotypical Hispanic.

Diana and Cassandra are bottom two and as soon as Jaslene is given her picture as the third worst, Whitney starts bawling. And when Cassandra is cut, we find that all of the girls loved her and she has a great heart. Which, yeah, you could totally tell. I'm glad she was so appreciated. Like Brooke from last cycle, when a girl leaves and the other girls are visibly shaken, it means something. Cassandra, hopefully you'll go far. She leaves us very graciously. I think she's great. Best of luck, Cassandra. You're stunning.


Thursday, March 15, 2007

American Idol: Top 12

Last time on That Time When America Screwed Sabrina Sloan:
Yes, I am still pissed about this. It seems lately that every contestant I like ends up being sent home too soon. John Vito and Jill went home way too early on The Amazing Race. Liliana went home too early on Survivor. Sabrina went home way too early. And then today, Cassandra gets kicked off of Top Model. Ahhh!

This week on Sabrina Sloan Would Not Have Forgotten Her Words:
So the truth is when I believe someone was unfairly screwed over, I often try to give them the "air time" that they lost out on. Which basically means I mention them nonstop. Like when JV and Jill lost, I was sore about it for probably a week. Like every time I thought about it, I would get so worked up.. and it was primarily their fault. With Sabrina, it was completely not her fault at all. In fact, since I never recapped that week, she sang one of my favorite songs. I have been listening to it a lot lately.

So this week was Diana Ross/Motown Week. Yay!!! I always love Motown Week on Idol and Diana Ross is one of my favorite people ever. She's hilarious, she's absolutely divine, she's a legend, and she seems like such a great person. I am so excited she was on this week.

Another truth: I haven't seen the result show yet. I know what happens, though. I just felt like I needed to get back on track and if I don't recap now, I may never get myself back on track. I still want to recap The Apprentice and Top Model. We'll see.

I want to go through the performances. I might not have a Paula moment to mention. Except for when she cried and Simon kept laughing at her. Oh, I also wanted to mention that I was disappointed nobody sang Where Did Our Love Go or Back in My Arms Again. Only because I love those songs. And you know what? Sabrina would have rocked this week. Ugh. Stupid America.

Brandon Rogers- You Can't Hurry Love: So when he totally forgot his words and couldn't even fake it, I started screaming, "OMG you forgot your words! Who forgets their words? You can't do that! Everybody knows the words to this song! Sabrina wouldn't have forgotten her words!" and hitting my laptop screen with the top of a shoe box. True story. So Brandon? You know all those times when Simon hinted that you needed to focus on the competition and stop assuming you're good enough to coast through? Well, you get it now? He pretty much ruined a great song.

Melinda Doolittle- Home: I wish she would have chosen a more fun song, but as Simon said, she made a boring song interesting. When she teared up at the end though, that really got me. Both girls who cried actually seemed extremely sincere. That's not including Paula. In her case, it would just be the crazy speaking. I just totally see where Melinda's coming from. She's never been in the spotlight. She's always been timid and afraid to stand out. And there she is, singing on this huge stage in front of so many people, and they all clapped for her. That's got to be overwhelming.

Chris Sligh- Endless Love: Chris Sligh was much better in the earlier stages. I think he's built himself into a box of someone who's a funny character with surprising vocals. Unfortunately, after all these weeks, we're not surprised every time we hear his voice anymore. We know what he sounds like. He needs to really pick it up and stop worrying about the small things. I feel like he's holding back because he's thinking too much.

Gina Glocksen- Love Child: This is a great song. I don't know how I would say Gina did. She's becoming less of an obnoxious contestant to me and is seeming more like the girl who knew America voted on hotness and tried to conform a little by wearing those nice dresses and singing typical Idol songs. So since last week, I've been seeing her as someone who's learning to be comfortable in her skin, and that's okay with me. She's definitely not my favorite, not my style, but I can respect her performances.

Sanjaya Malakar- Ain't No Mountain High Enough: What a classic, classic song to unfortunately have to be so extremely undersung. I don't hate Sanjaya because I haven't felt he's really ruined the chances of anybody great. AJ probably should not have gone the second week. Oh well. I guess I'm saying none of the guys are that excellent that I would be upset over Sanjaya staying instead of someone better. I think Sanjaya needs to thank his sister. If she wouldn't have tried out, made it to Hollywood, gotten cut in the final round, gotten consoled on film by Sanjaya, he wouldn't be here today. He showed in that one moment how sweet and selfless he is. So I don't mind people like Brandon getting voted off before Sanjaya. Whatever. Sanjaya is the new Kevin "Young Man" Covais.

Haley Scarnato- Missing You: Okay, so I am pissed that Haley is here instead of Sabrina. And I don't think Haley is a tenth of what Sabrina is as a singer. However, when she broke down, I have to admit I felt for her. What we saw was just complete frustration and disappointment, combined with all the stress and lack of sleep.. she was just overwhelmed. This is why I like Simon. I think he knew she needed something positive. And while he didn't say she was a good singer, he gave her hope, and wasn't trying to talk down to her. I hate every time Paula tells the girls they look gorgeous. Like, "At least you look great tonight. You look stunning. However, the vocals weren't there." That's just rude. So I actually thought it was nice to see how real some of these contestants are.

Phil Stacey- I'm Gonna Make You Love Me: I don't really like Phil. He doesn't necessarily annoy me with his personality, but there's just something there that makes me extremely indifferent about him. I didn't think he did a good job.

Lakisha Jones- God Bless the Child: This is a great song to sing. The beginning was a little weird for me. It didn't seem to flow into the rest of the song. But that's such a minute detail. She was great. And I do love that they showed her asking Diana Ross what to wear and how to have the mic set up. It not only shows she's thinking ahead, but I really shows how much she respects the legend herself. It's like she wanted to perform this in a way that Diana Ross found to be proper and acceptable. I don't know. I just saw it as a sign of respect and thought it was great.

Blake Lewis- You Keep Me Hanging On: Also a wonderful song. I didn't like how he executed the performance, but I don't think the arrangement was necessarily horrible. I think he just didn't sing through it enough. He could have performed it better. I do like that he did reggae last week, so I will stay on the bandwagon. He's a pleasant surprise from what I initially expected.

Stephanie Edwards- Love Hangover: I did not notice she forgot her words. I should watch it again and try to find it. As far as forgetting the words go, this week was unacceptable. I don't think any other season has had that many people forget their words during the final rounds, let alone on one night. Brandon's was the worst. Haley's I noticed, but she made a good effort at covering it up. Stephanie's I truly didn't notice. And I actually didn't think she did as bad as they said. I kinda liked it. It's behind us now, though, fortunately. I think I'm being a little protective over some of the others who could be screwed the same way as Sabrina was. Stephanie deserves to stick around. Unfortunately, she might get the Jennifer Hudson treatment from America.

Chris Richardson- The Boss: I'm sorry, I still don't completely get Chris Richardson. To me, he doesn't sing through his songs. He just isn't a typical singer I guess. I think it someone else sang like him, they'd get criticized about not holding their notes or having range. It just confuses me. He's very boy band-like to me. It's just not a style of singing I like, I guess.

Jordin Sparks- If We Hold On Together: She's a great surprise. Actually, after Chris performed, I kept asking myself who was left and I couldn't remember. This is more embarrassing for me than anything, and was just a stupid slip of the mind. It's just funny because Jordin comes out and totally delivers it. It's not like I don't remember who Jordin Sparks is.. I just forgot she was still yet to sing. But anyway, I loved what she did. It was beautiful. And she's very young. It's surprising.

All in all, I was not that disappointed when it came down to it. Brandon forgot the words to You Can't Hurry Love, a classic. Haley didn't do so well, but kinda touched the sentimental, empathetic bone in me. Jordin really impressed me. And everybody else was pretty much what I expected. And Sanjaya will always win the most ridiculous look category until he leaves. Ever since he wore that hat with a ponytail and looked like a sketchy middle-aged man, he's stolen the category. I give Jordin the best performance because she stepped it up big time. I give Brandon the worst performance because who forgets an entire line and just leaves it as a huge silent pause? Best Paula-ism was when she was crying after Melinda's performance. That's not really a Paula-ism, but her comments were all decently sane.

Who should be the bottom two next week: Sanjaya, Haley, and Phil should be the bottom three. Take your pick of who goes home.


Tuesday, March 13, 2007

America's Next Top Model Season 8 Episodes 1-3

This season on The Return of Jaslene:
So I loved Jaslene during her audition last season because she was such a drag queen and pretty much just a ball of excitement and hilarity. Now she's back! Yay!

I have three hours of Top Model madness to cover here, so we need to just get some basics down first. As in who I like, who I don't like, and who I want to punch in the face.


I really like her. I think she's stunning and hilarious, so there's my pick. That clip of her imitating Kathleen and Natasha is spot-on and awesome. I noticed in the third episode (second episode technically, but we count the first one as two separate episodes because of the distinct split between the two hours and the fact that they usually give it two separate episode titles) that she sometimes has really good moments and sometimes not-so-good moments. I think she'll really benefit from the makeover, what with her sewn-on wig and all. Yeah, I think she's really down-to-earth and funny. Hope she stays on for a long time.. and of course I hope she wins.

I love Jaslene because she's really funny. She does that scarf around the head thing that CariDee did a couple times last season. I don't really care if she's really confident this season and knows that she's one of the best. I think like most of the girls, she's had confidence issues in her life and she's finally having people tell her how amazing she is and how gorgeous she is.. it must feel good and I'm fine with it.

She's pretty annoying, but at least she's not that great of a model and will probably leave soon. I do think it's great that they found a way to get a mail-order bride onto the show, though. I think she'll end up getting canned because she just doesn't get it. Kinda like Kathleen..

She's thinks she knows everything in the world. She's a bit of a Melrose. I don't know.. she doesn't seem like she'll have that much range. I can't wait to see if Tyra loves her or hates her because she does the same thing as Tyra all the time. You know, Tyra likes to starts talking about herself whenever she feels like it. They'll be talking about someone's confidence issues or something and then Tyra will say, "You know what? That's like how I went to Paris when I was seventeen and was discovered and became an amazing model." Like, thanks Tyra.. back to the point.

So annoying. Shut up, Renee. Shut up. It's like she's Surya. Just shut up. Here's what I think: Renee is very uncomfortable with where she is in life. She's twenty, married, and has children. She's probably regretting losing her youth and having to be so responsible now instead of being able to party with other people her age. She always seems really scared and insecure and I think she finds it easy to talk smack at the camera or to other girls who are also insecure. So, Renee? Stop crying all the time. Just stop.

Eh, more later. I'm listening to a podcast and it makes it impossible to think and type coherently.


Monday, March 12, 2007

American Idol Episodes 11, 12, & 13 (Semis Week 1)

(I started this like three weeks ago and felt I should just post it as it is)

This week on American Idol
This is my first official Idol recap and I'm really excited. The format will be different from the other shows I recap, but hopefully it will work out.

This was the first week on semifinals where the girls and guys perform on different days and two of each are kicked off every week. They're on a small stage in front of a small crowd. And the best part.. we're not completely done cutting down the excess baggage that was carried from Hollywood Week. Which makes for a funny show.

I don't remember what most people sang, because I'm not good with that stuff. I do remember how I felt about each performance though. For this week, I'm going to try out one format where I separate the performances by topic. I'll try recapping by performance next time. Mostly because I don't want to recap 24 performances in a row. It'll end up with me saying a lot of useless things.

Difference in Talent:
As everybody noticed, four girls were absolutely miles above the rest of the competition. The girls in general had better performances, except for three or four debacles. On the guys' side, Blake surprised me and pulled out a great performance. Here we will discuss the best and worst performances.

I was really questioning his place in this competition after the Narrow Elevator episode. It's easy to hide behind a specialty like beatboxing. He used it to his advantage, but left many people wondering if he was hiding behind it for a reason. This week, though, he did exactly what a smart person would do. He picked something different and unexpected and he sang it well. He showed us that he could do something totally different and he didn't need to beatbox his way through. And I love how he said "this is a singing competition." Everybody says it, but it's significant for him to say it because he sees that beatboxing could be a gimmick on this show. He wants to win because of his voice. That's great.

Chris Sligh and Phil Stacey-
I don't want to give them each their own category because I didn't feel they were particularly wonderful. I would say they were in the second tier, though. I don't know if Blake's vocals were that much better than either of these guys, but his performance and the fact that he did what he did puts him in a different league. Chris Sligh and Phil were good though.

Stephanie Edwards-
She started off the girls' show with a bang. I don't understand how she didn't break a foot or a heel even. That was skill. She has a great voice, too, but I'm afraid Melinda and Lakisha have been pimped out on the show much more and have great backstories.. and importantly, are better singers. I want Stephanie to make the Top 12, but I'm afraid some of her votes will be taken by other great singers.

Sabrina Sloan-
I told you she would develop into a favorite. I like her look, her style, her voice.. she was really good. I like the tone of her voice. I'm also afraid she'll be screwed by bigger personalities taking away from her votes. Kinda like what happened with Jennifer Hudson and Fantasia. But then again, now Jennifer Hudson is up for an Oscar and Fantasia has a Lifetime movie and is going on Broadway. Shows that talent wins out in the end. Unfortunately, this season, the four strong women also could end up with similar fanbases.

Melinda Doolittle-
She is a great performer. I love her. She's a great personality on this show. I also love that Simon adores her. It just goes to show that the only reason Simon is so harsh is because there are so many people coming on this show thinking the world of themselves when they're not as great as they think. Simon has always appreciated a humble person. I love how much he's backing her.

Lakisha Jones-
Yes, she was great. She's also pretty humble herself. I like this season's cast. The great ones are also great personalities. The bad ones are the annoying ones, so it's easy to make fun of them. I wouldn't say Lakisha was in a different league than everybody else. I think the three other ladies listed were in that ballpark, too.

Paula Moment of the Week:
That would be when Ryan asks the judges what Sundance should have done differently and Paula responds by rubbing her chest as if that's a valid answer or something a sane person would do. Hahaha.


Friday, March 09, 2007

Let's Salute Sabrina Sloan

I intercepted an email today.. this is what it read:

Dear Sabrina Sloan,

We regret to inform you that although you have one of the best voices on the show, we're going to have to let you go. Our reasons are unjustifiable and irrational. We enjoyed having you on the show for the past three weeks, you know, with all of your wonderful performances, unbelievable talent, and great stage presence. Unfortunately, we felt that being one of the best singers was not good enough. Good luck with your career, now that we've kept you from being exposed to more people and getting a chance to perform on a finals stage. We decided that since you're so good, you should have to work harder to get signed.

Love, The American Public

Okay, you get it. I'm pissed. This is completely unacceptable. Sabrina had one of the best voices on the show and I would have put her in the top 3 based on talent and her previous performances. You know what? Jennifer Hudson was screwed by America (not by Simon, Antonella.. idiot) and look where she is now. It'll take work, but Sabrina is great. I hope she finds her way through and we hear from her soon. Sabrina, we won't forget.. well, I definitely won't forget. Every heinous crime like this that is committed makes me want to go knock some sense into some people.

See, this is how pissed I am. This is probably one of the least coherent posts I've ever had. I will be free on Saturday to catch up on recaps, but for now, I'm just going to do my work and piss and moan to anybody that wants to hear, or can't get away from me fast enough. I don't think I can recall a more horribly wrong elimination from any reality show before. This is heinous.

Sabrina, you were wonderful. We supported you and we support you still. I do kinda sound like I'm her mother or something. Regardless, this was completely wrong and unwarranted. Good luck, Sabrina. We'll miss you on the show.


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Royally Screwed

Last time on When I Wasn't Screwed:
I know I am way behind on recaps. At least I acknowledge that. For whatever reason, I am still oblivious of the fact that this week sucks and I need to do my work. Finals are creeping up in that skeevy way they do every quarter and spring fever is setting in way too early. Spring Fever- def: When the spring weather makes it impossible for me to do anything productive ever, yet I hardly spend any time outside either.

So I have to go to sleep like two hours ago. I'm writing my entire paper tomorrow, and that's the definite plan. Recaps will have to come when they can. Just to keep track and make myself feel bad, this is how behind I am:

- American Idol: First two weeks of semifinal action. I started the recap for the first week, but it got boring, so I never finished.
- The Amazing Race: Episodes 2 and 3.
- The Apprentice: Episode 7. I haven't seen it yet, though.
- Survivor: Episodes 3 and 4.
- America's Next Top Model: Episode 1.

Before I go to sleep under my bed, in my cave (I've been really strange lately), I just need to get out some of my feelings about the Top Model premiere.

This season is looking like it will be an awesome one. Both Renee and Natasha are really annoying but also funny and easy to make fun of. There are two plus-size models because of Tyra's recent tirade, yet Tyra's slimmed down since last season. It looks like she's listened to viewers and has gone with straighter, longer hair and nixed the tight shirts cinched right under the boobs.

Kathleen was hilarious, but unfortunately is now gone. I also really liked Melissa, who was cut out of the final 13. I swear I have seen that girl somewhere before. It's killing me trying to figure out where.

Jaslene is back! And looking fierce as ever. I love her.

Cassandra is gorgeous and is probably one of very few ever that I've had to say that every time she comes on the screen. Okay, she looked ridiculous in the interview segment with the yellow and the blue and the red circus parade. It's hilarious that she sewed a wig in. However, she is stunning. Imagine what she's going to look like after the makeover. She's got to be my favorite. Surprising how little time it took to establish that.

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