The Apprentice Season 6 Episode 1
Bum-Bum BUM! The moment has arrived and I am about as giddy as a five-year-old is on Christmas. I love season premieres. And I love The Apprentice. Quickly, here's my stance: I think Trump is an egotistical moron who should be giving his money to poor school districts and to good charities instead of tearing things down to build the biggest skyscraper in the world. However, he doesn't try to tell us that he's Miss Congeniality. His show is about making good decisions, marketing yourself, and succeeding in the business world. All of which he should get all the credit for doing. It's only when people like Paula Abdul claim to be a great judge of singing talent when the BS-radar starts going off. If Trump's show was about him picking the next best Miss America contestant or something, that would be crap. However, he is judging people on something he excels at, so he doesn't really get on my nerves as a host/judge or whatever he is considered on the show.
This week on The Battle of the Morons:
Okay, here's the thing. I love this season and all of its changes. I love that it's in LA. I love that the losers have to sleep in tents. I love that the winning PM stays as PM until (s)he loses. I LOVE Ivanka. I never really knew anything about The Donald's children until they guest-judged on the third or fourth Apprentice. Ivanka also did an episode of Project Runway, which is when I really came to like her. She isn't obnoxious, cocky, over-aggressive, pompous, or spoiled at all. I guess when you see someone like The Donald and expect that he would produce snotty children and then see how down-to-earth they actually are, it's a huge surprise. Anyway, I love Ivanka.
From the beginning of this episode right up until the end, almost everything that happened was hilarious. First, we see Trump talking to Melania on the phone. She's already in LA with their baby, Baron. You know what? Now that they have this baby, it means that Melania's had sex with The Donald. Which is disgusting. Anyway, Melania looks stoned as always and comes out of the house with the baby when Trump arrives. The whole scene with them interacting and with Trump driving his car is hilarious because it's so strange.
The contestants arrive and they meet up with Trump in front of the mansion, which is connected to his mansion, which is where the boardroom is. Everybody introduces themselves and they put the introductions together as a montage where they all overlap. At first, I was like why is that chick just talking over everyone? The Donald is excited that Angela is an Olympian and actually gives her a hug, which is so not Trump-like. Which means it's funny. Maybe it's the lack of shows to watch right now that's got me watching Kathy Griffin specials and thinking everything is funny.
So the first task of the season is for everybody to go to the backyard and pitch a big tent. Hahaha. Trump makes it out to be some huge character-building task that should be taken as seriously as possible. They're all like a bunch of donkeys with their heads cut off until Heidi starts to take control. She says she's pitched a lot of tents in the past as considers herself an expert. Then Frank decides that it's his moment to be an ass and starts yelling instructions really loudly. What he actually does is yell for everybody to grab pieces and put them together, which is useless.
Trump is watching from a second story window and tells Frank to keep his voice down. Then there's Martin in his three-piece suit trying to give instructions, but just looking like an idiot. When they finish pitching the tent, they all put their hands together and yell "Go Trump" or something obnoxious. Everybody wonders what's going on and some idiot says that maybe that was their first task and someone's going to get fired. Stupid.
They go to the boardrooms and meet Ivanka and an empty chair that will be filled with "someone special" at the boardroom. Everybody agrees that Heidi was the best leader during the tent challenge and Frank was loud. So those two get to choose teams. Heidi chooses Derek, Aimee, Marisa, Angela, Surya, Kristine, Muna, Jenn. Frank chooses Carey, Tim, Aaron, Nicole, James, Stefani, Michelle, Martin. Well, Frank doesn't really choose Martin. Martin's last, which is funny because Martin thinks he should be everybody's first choice always.
Their first task is to run a car wash. Trump tells them that the winning PM will always be the PM until that team wins.
Frank's team starts with Frank acting like a banshee, talking really fast, and then running off to do flyers or something. What a stupid. Then the team tries to get together and come up with a plan when Frank calls and flips out about them starting to sell right that moment.
Heidi's team starts by making signs on carboard and offering free lunches at a hot dog stand. Ivanka visits them and asks why there's no cars in the detailing area. Aimee says they would prefer to move as many people in as possible. They've hired a couple guys to take their shirts off and hold the signs because they're in a predominantly homosexual area. Where they got these random shirtless guys, I have no idea. Ivanka goes and talks to them and they ask her if she wants to take her shirt off and help them. She says no, maybe next time, and laughs instead of being offended, which most other businesswomen probably been.
Then there's Team Trainwreck. They're yelling about car washes.. without signs. Cars are speeding past wondering who the lunatics are. Frank brings back little flyers and the team holds up the pieces of paper pretending anybody can read them. Ivanka visits and wonders why Frank isn't around. James is excited and Martin is.. tired. Earlier, he asked Trump if he could go take a piss and now he tells Ivanka he's tired.
Heidi's team is so busy and they're backed up. A lady starts cleaning her own car and it brings Heidi to decide to have her team help clean. It's a great idea and seems to work. Heidi even keeps her heels on as she cleans.
Over at Frank's circus, James is working it and getting a lot of people to get full detail packages. Martin, however, is not persuasive at all. At the end of the task, James notices Martin is adding up how much he sold and thinks it shows that he isn't confident in how he did.
Heidi's team wins and Trump treats them to dinner at Spago where Wolfgang Puck will "join them." They get to live in the mansion and Heidi stays the PM and gets to join Trump in the boardroom. Frank and his team get to sleep outside in the tent until they win.
Heidi's team goes into the mansion and it's really nice except.. they have to all sleep in one room, which is really strange. Heidi thanks her team for never complaining.
Frank's team has to shower with flashlights. Their sinks don't drain. It pretty much sucks. Tim starts to pick a fight with Frank about how the PM is more to blame than a bad salesman. This is stupid, Tim, because it most likely means you will be brought into the boardroom.
Heidi's team sleeps comfortably, while Franks team is woken by sprinklers. At first, I thought the sprinklers were going off on them. Hahaha that would have been awesome. The best part of this whole Win-Lose deal is the teams are only separated by bushes. The losing team stands on a rock and drools at what the winning team has.
The winning team eats with Trump and the losing team eats on the grass. Frank's team starts bashing Frank and the price point. Martin gives us another Nigerian saying and tries to manuever his way out of being fired.
Heidi tells her team that she will try to keep the weakest person on the other team when she goes into the boardroom.
In the boardroom, there was a lot of bull flying around and Martin calls out Frank as soon as possible. Franks calls Ivanka I-vanka like a hundred times. Martin says he was exhausted again. What a circus. And Nicole has no voice. Here's what happens: Frank brings Martin and Tim back to the boardroom. Frank talks really loudly and Martin uses a lot of his sayings. Tim doesn't say anything and is excused. Then Frank says that Martin is brilliant and everybody berates him for making stupid comments.
Martin goes home.