Catch Up: American Idol, Top Model, Amazing Race, Apprentice

Funniest Moments of the Past Few Weeks of Reality:
Instead of recapping all the shows I missed or apologizing really, I'm just going to give my favorite highlights of each show.

American Idol:
The judges don't even critique Sanjaya anymore. He's on his own show, wears his hair however he feels like, and week after week, better singers are eliminated. Everybody's forgotten about how Scarnato edged out Sabrina Sloan because at least Haley tries to sing.

I also liked Gwen Stefani. Loved that she performed. Thought she was good at critiquing everybody.

And of course, LOVED that Sabrina Sloan was in the audience. They panned over her and then focused on Melinda's family, who she was sitting with. I noticed the hair and yelled, "Sabrina!" Yay. Glad to see her again. Love ya, Sabrina. Still voting for you every week. Except I'm not actually crazy, so no, but I do think about how much better she would've done than some of those fools every week.

America's Next Top Model:
Loved that they had to be men. Loved how ridiculous Natasha was. Loved how much Renee sucked at the laser challenge. Loved the mail order phone sex. Now that Diana is rightfully gone, this probably means Whitney's going to the end. If I had to predict a final three without analyzing the collage right now, I would say Jaslene, Renee, and Whitney. Apparently Brittany is good, but I don't like her. She reminds me of the girl whose face fell off. I don't like her face.

The Amazing Race:
Loved the Barbies' first place. Loved that teams were still completing a leg when other teams had started the next one. Hated the stupid intersection. Loved Eric's "Ladies and Gentlemen... Miss California" when Dustin suddenly puked sausage. Loved the excessive penis references from the extremely inappropriate but hilarious minds of Charla and Mirna.

But the quote that takes the cake.. I think it was two episodes ago. Dustin and Kandice are talking about being the first all-female team to win. And one of them says they just have to beat "Too Hot to Handle." And they laugh about how anybody could possibly compete with that. Anyway, that was hilarious. I think they realized when they were saying it that a portion of the audience would hate them for saying it and say they're awful people and picking on someone with a disability. But at the same time, they knew there was another portion of the audience who would love it. So they were trying to hold back and not seem completely awful but at the same time, directing their comments at their fans who would find it amazing.

I am one of those fans. I love those two and if you haven't read my recaps from last season, I believe I spent an entire recap talking about why people were stupid for hating them and why they're amazing. Yes, when I have favorites, I cannot stop complimenting them or defending them. I am pretty loyal in that sense. But it's not like I pick bad favorites. My favorites are always worthy of the praise.

And of course, D/K prove all of the points I've ever made and run a pretty efficient and successful race. I cannot state enough how much I like their demeanor and strategy on this race. They don't make friends, they don't make perminent alliances, they don't go out of the way to focus on other teams and try to sabotage them. They just run a good race. The only team who may be playing this better right now is ChaChaCha. Danny and Oswald have found a way to be nice and liked by all teams without helping or aligning really with any of them. I am proud of how they're playing. ChaChaCha and Barbies to the end. That would be beautiful. Too bad JV and Jill can't come back and be that third final team.

The Apprentice:
A lot has changed. After hearing in an interview with Derek that Heidi was not part of an alliance and everybody truly thought she was good, I have to apologize for how much i bashed her. She came from small-town Michigan. I'm from Michigan. I know the type. A little sheltered growing up, and then breaking free to pursue bigger and better things elsewhere where nobody can really help you and you have to tough it out and do it yourself. I think Heidi's learned how to be successful and whether it involves smug faces or not, I do give her credit.

Kristine has become hilarious to me. She's said some things that have been a little subtle, but really funny. When Muna said she couldn't "use the Lord's name in vain," Kristine said, "Well, God told me I could use his name in vain." And then she talked about what we viewers say all the time. God is not in the boardroom making the decisions. I'm pretty sure if God was around, he would be focusing his time and energy on starving children and bridging the educational gap. Not deciding who gets to work with The Donald.

Also, when Kristine told the cameraman it was none of his business what went on when her husband spent the night, I thought that was hilarious. First of all, aren't all the beds in one room? What did they do, sleep in the bathtub? Hahaha.

Lastly, I love that Tim was ripped apart at a boardroom he wasn't a part of. It's like the opposite of when Rob Mariano controlled a tribal council he wasn't even at. Tim looks like such a schmuck on the show. It's too bad because I think Tim's probably a lot of fun. There was just no way to win for him. Every situation was lose-lose.

Survivor Episode 7

Last time on Drop 'Em:
The tribes were all mixed up. One tribe had all men and one tribe was significantly more awesome. Lisi got sent to Exile Island for like the entire episode because she sucks. The new Ravu Men tribe was mean to Anthony. The immunity challenge was called "Who Can Fit Through Small Spaces" and Moto won because Michelle and Yau-Man both weigh a buck fifty. Ravu sent Anthony home but not before Rocky humiliated himself and the rest of the human race by being awful to Anthony.

This week on Yau-Man Takes On The World:
Lisi comes back from Exile. She tells the guys that she lost her mind at the tribe switch and said some things she didn't mean. So she takes back what she said about wanting to go home but doesn't take back how awful she was to Dreamz and Cassandra. Which, since I didn't get to recap that episode.. how awful was that? It appeared very racist, whether or not that's where it actually stemmed from, and was just downright rude. Cassandra is a nice lady and Dreamz is actually growing on me. I think he's just loud, but actually a good-hearted guy.

On the better tribe's side, Yau-Man and Earl continue their scheming to find the idol. Earl takes everybody off to find the boat, which stupid old Moto tribe left in the middle of nowhere. Michelle makes this observation and asks them why they were stupid. Anyway, meanwhile, Yau-Man is digging like a fiend. He finds the HII and gets really excited, which is awesome. He covers his tracks nicely and doesn't look suspicious when everybody else comes back. He goes on a walk with Earl and tells him the news.

And here starts the first season where the HII is used cleverly to manipulate the game. We are introduced to the idea of sharing the idol. Yau-Man will hold onto it. If Earl is in danger, he will give it to him. Otherwise, if he himself is in danger, he'll just use it. This totally changes the idea of trust and loyalty in this game. It's great. Plus I like Earl and Yau. They both seem like good guys. Earl has really impressed me as one of the first strategic leaders who's been really reasonable and diplomatic. Yul was probably the first to really do this well, but he did not use the HII wisely. There were many steps he could have taken after threatening Jonathan with it that could have made for a really exciting show. Earl, I feel like, is really taking a risk. He's letting Yau hold onto something they both worked to get. I like it.

So the reward challenge is "Who Has Great Balls of Fire" and the answer the team of all guys and Lisi. They have to throw balls of fire onto targets. In a great series of shots, Mookie is making fun of Yau and then Yau hits a target. Let's just see who gets farther in this game, how about that, Mookie. I wish Yau and Earl would've found the other HII before they switched tribes. How awesome would that have been? Hahaha.

So Ravu wins a tribe to an arcade, which, what the hell? They send Earl to Exile and instead of being stupid and saying something about not needing any more clues, Earl just trucks off begrudgingly.

Ravu is flown to their arcade where they first eat hot dogs and cheese and brownies and beer. Everybody feels sick except for Rocky. Even though Rocky is the smart one here with not pushing his food intake too far, he goes and shows how little self-awareness he really has. He taunts everybody else and picks on them for eating too much. It's really annoying. And Lisi's also in this scene, which makes it even less entertaining. They play their little games and the guys all talk about how Lisi's like a guy. Blah. Blah.

Back at camp, Yau has made his own HII and buried it where he found the real on. He uses the original cloth and rope to repackage the fake idol, which is smart. This is great because it's what the viewers have been saying for the past few seasons. It's really funny how Yau tells us about it too. Too many immunity idols running around.

Immunity challenge.. This is one of my favorite episodes so far and one of the reasons is because I love the blindfold challenges. I would hate participating because I would get so dizzy. But it's amazing to watch. Anyway, they have to run out one at a time with a caller leading them toward a hanging skull. They have to bash the skull with their skull-bashing tool and then pick up the puzzle-pieces bundle that was inside. They have to take that to a table and then run back, all while they're still blindfolded. They can switch out callers at any time, but I'm assuming only if the new caller has already gone?

Michelle and Lisi start out as the callers and Michelle is once again good at this, while Lisi isn't as much. Michelle leads her team around smoothly until Boo doesn't know which way is left. We get to see Alex swinging really hard at a skull that is swinging back and forth. We get to see Boo swing really really hard at the air. We get to see Dreamz's magic skull-bashing moves.

And of course, we get to see Michelle fall off. Which is hilarious. I love Michelle and I think she's awesome, but how hilarious was this? She's the one that's not blindfolded and yet manages to fall off the platform she's standing on. She kind of laughs embarrassingly and climbs back up and then gets mad when Yau can't hear her and keeps going. She does this little kid things where she stomps her foot and yells, "Yau, Stop!" Haha. And then Boo takes over. Oh, did I mention Boo went back to the starting line by going backwards and smacking the railing behind him? Hahaha.

Moto is the first to take off their buffs and head to the puzzle table. Ravu is shortly behind, however. Somebody on Moto says it might be "Castaway" something. Then Stacey says, "Where's Michelle?" because apparently Michelle is the Jenny of this season. Then, Michelle, who wasn't even paying attention, is like, oh, it's time to activate my super powers. She turns around and looks at the puzzle and immediately says it's Cannibal. And of course she's right and they get Cannibal Isles soon after and win immunity.

I found that pretty funny. Probably mainly because I'm a huge Michelle fan and am sometimes amazed at how good she is at stuff. She was the one that caught them up in the first immunity challenge by being fast at untying the knots. In the second immunity, she was unwinding or winding something and did it really efficiently. She made fire. That alone is amazing. Anyway, I found the entire immunity challenge to be hilarious. Blindfolded people running around whacking at air. Michelle falls off the podium. Then the team appears to set up a puzzle while Michelle isn't paying attention, and then when she looks at it, she picks out the answer right away.

Anyway, Moto wins immunity again.

Back at the Ravu camp, at some point, Lisi tells some of the guys about the HII clues. And even though she's had more clues than Earl and Yau did when they figured out where the idol was buried a few episodes back, she seems to still be unclear. How much more clear do they have to make it? "Dig under the highest point of the opening of the cave. Use a shovel. Dig four feet into the ground. It is wrapped in cloth and is shaped like a turtle. Here, let me just give it to you." Stupid. Lisi and the HII compared to Yau and Earl is like Becky and Sundra making fire compared to Michelle. Yes, I am still amazed that a girl who could not stand up without falling over made fire with glasses. When two decently well-fed girls could not make fire with flint or matches.

So they've discovered that Rocky sucks. He's sexist, maybe a little racist, and has no self-awareness at all. He's annoying. They decide to get rid of him. Rocky, of course, thinks they're voting out the girl.

Rocky is voted out at tribal and it's beautiful. He's apparently the first member of the jury.

Next time on Survivor:
I don't know. A whole bunch of people search for the Ravu HII. Michelle is surprisingly really good at another challenge. I made that up, but it'll probably be true. Lisi gets voted off. Because Ravu sucks and Lisi is annoying. Who else would they get rid of?