Top Chef Episode 3

Last week on Top Chef:
-Marisa made bad food
-Marisa was an asshole
-Otto was too nice to stick up for himself
-Padma Lakshmi talks funny

This week on Top Chef:
Here's how we stand. I like Betty. I like Cliff. I hate Marcel (Wolverine). I hate Marisa. And before we got too far into this episode, I discovered that I hate Emily. I'm also not too fond of Michael.

To be honest, I'm working off of notes because I'm a lame and because I can't remember everything that happens, especially with so many people around.

We're greeted in the episode with Frank's snoring. Then Wolverine says 'molecular gastronomy' again. Stephen, anyone? ('Sommelier, Sommelier, Sommelier') Michael then tells us that he wants to stay in the middle. This is not Survivor, where UTR (Under the Radar) works. This is a talent show. Pretty soon the middle turns into the bottom, which turns into "pack your knives and go." I don't think Michael cares enough to try to be on top. That seems to be a theme with Michael, as we see in this episode as well as in the previews for next episode.

Padma has what looks like a dark line on her right arm. It might be a scar. She announces the Quickfire Challenge: Create a unique ice cream flavor. Time limit is 2hr45min or something. After they're finished, they have to serve their ice cream to everyday people at a beach. They don't know this until their time limit is up.

Marisa thinks she will win because she's a pastry chef. Obviously, she doesn't remember the last dessert she made on the show. (Flashback to Marisa's panna cotta having too much gelatin in it. Ming Tsai called it a hockey puck.) So here's the deal with Marisa.. I don't like her. She reminds me of one spectacularly tacky, weak, self-doubting Starr from Project Runway Season 1. Okay, I just spent fifteen minutes trying to find pictures of the two where they look alike. The only pictures I found don't show my point, so I'll wait and screenshot it sometime later. Anyway, I don't like Marisa. Last episode, she totally waited for the time to be right and then scumbagged Otto. I thought Otto was a little odd, but I was completely on his side last episode. No, it wasn't an honest mistake, but I don't think he ever intentionally stole anything. He saw the lychees and thought, oh what a deal, we got free lychees. I bet Marisa was the one who forgot to put them back when they initially decided not to buy them to stay under budget. Anyway, done deal. I hate Marisa.

So Cliff is smart. He decides to make his ice cream based on what he likes to eat, not based on what flavor is big right now. He uses marshmallows and cookies or something. Ilan uses waffles and bacon. He says it's breakfast in an ice cream. I don't know about the bacon. Wolverine is also using bacon. With avocado. Ewww! Emily is using chocolate and.. jasmine? I didn't write it down. Something that seemed like it should be a fragrance and not an ice cream flavor.

Quick notes: At some point, Padma is wearing short shorts. Michael cusses. Not for the last time. Emily hates kids. Betty acts like a kid. Carlos has avocado in his ice cream too.

Okay, bacon? Who puts bacon in ice cream? It's globs of grease. You could blot it with a napkin and you would never be able to remove the nasty. I don't get it. And isn't that stuff naturally salty? Does salty mix with ice cream well?

So at the beach, Sam thinks he should flirt with the mothers. In front of their children. We find out that nobody likes Wolverine. Or his ice cream. Josie is awkward as always and apparently wasn't popular in high school.

Then, Emily totally rips on a customer. In confessional, not to her face, but it's just horrible. She says some lady told her there wasn't enough sugar in the ice cream. Emily's response? That the woman's fat ass doesn't need anymore sugar. Uh, I hate Emily. Totally uncalled for.

Challenge results: The three worst are Marisa (haha), Emily (haha), and Wolverine (hahaha), who only got seven votes. I'd throw in a hahahaha, except, who the hell were the seven people who prefered avocado and bacon over, well, anything else? Did his extended family show up to the tasting? Anyway, the three best are, tied for runner-up, Carlos and Sam, and winner, Cliff! Yay Cliff!

Marisa sucks.

Elimination Challenge: (Wow, I wrote a lot for Quickfire) Turn a childhood favorite into a prospective TGIFridays entree. Winner gets their plate put onto the TGIF menu all across the country. Part of their challenge is they're serving to firemen, who help in the judging by giving comments.

Betty is excited. She is comfort food apparently. Wolverine says he doesn't do comfort food. Right.. he does crap. Emily's a bitch.. it's in my notes, I'm not sure why it's there specifically, but it's true.

During food shopping, Michael buys stuff for himself with the challenge money. When he's overbudget, he puts back cheese for his dish instead of beer for himself. Idiot.

Betty says 'pontificating.' This might be when Wolverine decides that it's "not fair" that the deep fryer wasn't hot enough. He decides to bitch about it.. and bitch about it.. and bitch about it. And none of this is warranted bitching, which Betty recognizes and calls him out on. I just wish she could have come off as less whiny and more condescending to him. He's stupid.

Tom is wearing leopard print? I don't know.

Apparently, Elia's the only one who likes Wolverine because she worked as his sous chef at some point. Can I just say now, Elia is not 23. When I first saw her, I said oh look, another mother. I put her at 35. She's 23?! Uh-uh.

Frank is on mushrooms. Tom mentions this as a joke, but I believe it. His dish is like crack on a plate. Something about meat and vegetables made to look like a fairy tell or whatever the heck is not appealing. I'll eat desserts that look like something else, but if you're giving me meat and celeries, don't make it look like freaking Alice in Wonderland. Even Michael the trainwreck calls Frank a trainwreck. You know something's wrong when that happens.

Wolverine is 12 years old. He decides to heckle Betty as she cooks. I'm all for heckling Smellrose in ANTM challenges, but who heckles in a kitchen?

When it comes down to it, Ilan, Betty, and Sam (?) are the top three. Sweet. When the guest judge announces that Betty is the winner and will have her dish on TGIF menus all over the country, she screams. And I scream too, because that's my natural response when someone else screams. This is two wins in a row. I'm really liking Betty.

Then, it's Frank, Michael, and Emily in the bottom three. Emily's dish was salt with a splash of food. Gail says it was inedible. Frank was on shrooms, as we mentioned. Michael is a trainwreck, as we mentioned. The judges don't think he cares. He probably doesn't. He acts like a child in the judging room. Ultimately, Emily's plate of salt is not gonna cut it. She has to pack up her knives and go.

Next week on Top Chef: (I don't actually remember the preview, so none of this is true) The Quickfire Challenge is make a pastry. Marisa thinks she'll win. It doesn't happen.. again. The Elimination Challenge has them pair up with one other person to make a dish. Betty and Cliff team up and win. Marisa is with Wolverine. They lose and both of them are sent home.

Until next time..