Double Whammy!

A taste of my blogging (written April 27, 2006)

Sometimes when my entries get deleted because I "wasn't signed in," I get really pissed. Actually, more like all the time. How the hell was I not signed in yet able to type in this very box an entry that was wonderful and original? I always feel like I am plagarizing when I try to rewrite an entry that got deleted. Just a stupid thing.

So, much like "Press Your Luck," reality contestants across the board did so this week. Picture this. There are several contestants in a game of "Press Your Luck." There is Fran & Barry. There is Kellie Pickler. There is Stephen from Top Chef. And there is also Courtney Marit. Oh, let's throw in Andrea from Apprentice as well. Anyone else want to join in? Well, that's plenty. And the last contestant? That would be us, the viewing public.

The game starts. Andrea is up. She presses her button and says, "No Whammies, no whammies" in the most monotonous yet condescending voice possible. And.. WHAMMY! A bucket of lard is turned over on top of her head. She leaves our television screen muttering, "I'm better with bulk products anyway."

Next up, we have Fran & Barry. They hold hands in a kind of sweet, kind of disgusting old-people way. Fran lets us know that she's scared. Four times. Then they press the button together. And what do we land on? DOUBLE WHAMMY! Raw eggs fall on their heads, followed by approximately ten pounds of feathers. In unison, they shout, "OH MY GAWWWD!"

And who's next? Looks like Pickler is. She taps the button lightly looking like it's going to bite her. Nothing happens. She tries again and presses with both hands. Then she stands there looking oh-so-innocent-and-stupid-and-pleased-with-herself. The host asks her, "Aren't you going to say 'No Whammies, no whammies?'" The Pickle looks confused. "What's a whammies?" Meanwhile, WHAMMY! Colesaw and a bucket-full of fried calamari falls on her face when she looks up stupidly. Bye-bye Pickle!

Then we have Stephen. For some reason, while the other contestants were standing, Stephen is sitting in a high throne with a plate of mysterious spices lined up in rows in front of him as well as a glass of wine chosen specially by him to complement the strange rows of spices. He lets us know that he is an expert in pressing his luck and we shouldn't even be here. He asks us, "Do you know what a Whammy is?" We all roll our eyes and say "Uh, yeah!" except for Pickler, who just shakes her head no. Stephen presses the button and smuggly doesn't even look at the screen. Next thing he knows, he is hit from above by a gallon of Gas Station Gazpacho. He makes a face and quietly storms out of the studio muttering, "Tastes like Nacho Cheese.."

Courtney is up. She is in a strange costume and holding weird looking batons. Before she presses the button or even acknowledges the host, she lights up her batons on fire and starts doing a strange fire dance around a garden of rocks that conveniently appeared in front of her. Then she presses the button with the end of one of her now-snuffed-out batons. Shane runs into the studio unexpectedly, startling everybody, and shouts, "Haha, I got you, Danielle!" Then he realizes he's looking at Courtney and starts throwing a hissy fit about how everybody is lying to him. He is conveniently standing close enough to Courtney that when her DOUBLE WHAMMY of beans and rice fall from above, both she and Shane get hit. Bye Courtney! And, uh.. way to be in the loop, Shane.

And lastly, there's us, the general viewing public. The host tells us that this has never happened before. There has never been a case where every other contestant was eliminated before we even had a turn. Therefore, it seems like we've won. And we have. What a great week of reality TV. Good riddance.